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"Bah! Humbug!"

The end of the year hasn't been very good, and I'm not in the festive mood.

I've started nurturing a philosophy in 2012. Basically it is summarized as Eliminate Materialism; Counterculture. But since I'm incrementally embracing the philosophy and lifestyle, my former paradigm is being shaken, got me torn on which path to take - which seemed to be transpiring one after another. I'm in the process of taking risks; in the many facets of my life. All the limbo feeling has got me edgy. I don't know what will happen next. The philosophy is the only reason the waves haven't had me going ballistic yet.

All this apathy... and getting pissed off. You know how they say never underestimate someone's feelings? I could use some of that right now. No one knows how's anyone has suffered really. Some people hide it better than others. When that happen to other people, I just leave them alone and don't bombard them with accusations. I don't tell them they're fucked up and that they're overreacting. I just let them be and sort their shit out (though sorting your shit out publicly - eherm... in facebook, all details included - is a different thing; by doing so you are making your shit available for public consumption; thus undersolicited advice and ridicule).

I have something to say. Though I chose not to tell anyone of you. I'd rather shut up and be stoic about it. I don't need anyone to listen and empathize either, I know I alone can figure it out, resolve it. I won't give you details or hints. I don't need to apologize if I don't feel like celebrating like the rest of you. So yeah! Bah! Humbug to you.

Three

I've been monitoring a lump in my left breast for roughly 4 years now. Every 6 months or so, I got get a breast ultrasound procedure to check changes and additional growths, if ever. I felt my first lump around 2008, it is in the 8 o'clock position of my left breast.

I had an ultrasound and mammogram last 23rd of October in the Medicard Lifestyle Center in Paseo de Roxas Makati after seeing my Facebook feed with THIS.

Anywho, I just got the results today because I am a lazy sloth when it comes to going out of the house.

The mammogram said that I had extremely dense breast parenchymae. That translates to my breasts are made up of useful tissues, glands and muscles and not useless fats, but it also mean that I have higher risk of breast cancer. Yes, apparently, non-saggy breasts = cancer risk. I can  look so pretty in dresses but I might be really rotting inside (forgive my morbid sense of humor, I'm not scared, I just find the irony in things hilarious).

There are now two lumps, another was found in the 9 o'clock position of my left breast. The mammogram did not spot this, the ultrasound did. The lumps are benign though, the ultrasound suggests.

Now let me lecture you about the BIRADS system. BI-RADS = breast imaging reporting and data system. The BIRADS system is rated from 0-6 and I was classified as tier 3 in it, and that means:

Category 3. Probably Benign

With BI-RADS category 3, a follow-up of 6 months is usually recommended. On the breast cancer screening mammogram there may be a finding of some kind, but the lesion is non-palpable. Findings typical of this category include:Clusters of tiny calcifications if round or oval Non-calcified solid nodules (no size limitation but non palpable), round, ovoid, well-defined,Selected focal asymmetric areas of fibroglandular density (not palpable): This might include concave-outward defined margins, interspersed with fat and without central increased fibular density on two projections.Miscellaneous focal findings, such as a dilated duct, or post biopsy architectural distortion without central densityGeneralized distribution in both breasts. For example, multiple similar lesions with tiny calcifications or nodules distributed randomly In some scenerios a percutaneous biopsy might be considered,even with category 3. For example, extreme patient anxiety, or plans for pregnancy, plans for breast augmentation or reduction surgery, or if synchronous carcinoma is present.

http://www.breast-cancer.ca/screening/bi-rads.htm   

So yeah, I'm in the midscale. One tier higher and the next will suggest suspicious finding, for biopsy, malignancy considered. Two tiers and it's cancer.

Some of you might send out prayers and messages of hope with this news, allow me to stop you from doing so. I am not scared of it. I am not dying. I am just aware.

It's good that I take precautionary check ups like this. It's weird to hear women my age who are surprised to know that I've been getting routine procedures for female health concerns since I was 21. I am glad I've been exposed to shit like this earlier than the rest, while this might scare the hell out of some people, I'm informed way earlier than them. Awareness and education makes me feel empowered. Visit an OB GYN or any medical practitioner (if you are feeling discomfort and/or having problems in other areas of your health) you can get your hands on.

I hope other women will do the same too. YES TO RH BILL.Women need to take care of their bodies.

Pet Peeve: 121109

Liking your own status update or picture... and saying "Thanks" to literally everyone who liked it too.

and... 'Friends' who like each other's posts as if it is an obligation (I mean EVERY.FUCKIN.POST) and even remind each other to like each other's post.

What's up with that?! Ohmylourddd!

Pet Peeve: 121105

People who, out of nowhere - suddenly, becomes clingy, compliment-y, giggly and chatty with you. I don't do charity kindness and ass kissing. Puh-leese.

My eyes just get big and round... and can't wait to get out of that scenario, pronto.

Pet Peeve: 121101

I hate people who claim that something (e.g. expression, slang-term, idea) is theirs when you know for a fact, as you were there when it was coined/brainstormed/researched/discovered, that it is NOT theirs; worse, it's yours -- and you have shitload of proof that it's yours.

Major eyeroll.

Pet Peeve: 121031

I've decided that I will post any random pet peeve to record everything that I hate or annoy the living hell outta me.

For today: I hate people who post religious-praise-worship shit online.

Copies

There's something about writing effective status updates. I don't know what it is. Perhaps, conviction. But whatever that is, someone seemed not to have it... and I really wish she's got it so she can express her love for her child more effectively to the public. It's just so painful to read her posts. Ohmylourd, make it stop.

Facebook is your personal ad, make it snappy.

Sikreto

May gusto akong itanong sa'yo... anong nangyari? Ang saya natin nuon. Ang kyut natin. Akala nila, tayo, o kung hindi man, magiging tayo in time. Ok ka naman, mga kartada ocho yung buong pagkatao mo.

Hinihintay kita nuon. Bilang babae, sabi ko, may hangganan ang kaya kong gawin, yung iba ikaw na dapat ang kumilos. Kaso, ang bagal mo, o baka, hindi mo naman talaga ako gusto. E hindi ko alam pero nagmamadali ako nuon. Bumagsak tuloy ako sa gago. Iniyakan pa kita nung nagkahiwalay kami. Nakinig ka, nagbigay ng payo. Pero sa gitna ng pag-iyak ko, iniisip ko noon, ikaw kasi... kung me ginawa ka agad, edi hindi ka naunahan, edi sana di kita tinatawagan para umiyak. Edi sana masaya tayong dalawa.

Pero kung naging tayo, magiging kami kaya. Kami na ngayon, mahal na mahal ko sya. Sobrang saya ko sa kanya. Lumamang lang sya sayo ng bahagya sa muka, sa tikas ng katawan at sa kakayahang magpasensya sa'kin.. Pero aaminin ko, lamang ka talaga sa talino.

Wag mong isipin na mahal kita. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung minahal kita nuon o kinilig lang ako kasi ikaw lang ang lalaki (na pwede) na kilala ko, o kung nagustuhan mo man lang din ba ako o guni-guni lang yun ng birhen na utak ko. Pero hanggang ngayon, iniisip ko kung ano kaya kung nagpadala ako at nagbigay ng motibo, e lagi na naman kitang kasama nuon. Sumo-solo-time tayo. Maraming pwedeng mangyari kung gago talaga tayo. Pero napahanga mo din ako, kasi sa kabila ng dami ng pagkakataon na magkasama tayong dalawa lang, hindi ka nagsamantala. Ni-respeto mo ako, hanggang siko lang ang hawak mo pag tumatawid tayo sa malalapad na kalsada, at di maikakailang kinikilig ako sa mahigpit mong akbay pag sukob tayo sa payong.

Pero hanggang dun na lang talaga. Tuwing magkakausap tayo, gusto kong banggitin sayo, tanungin ka. Nagustuhan mo ba ako nuon? Kasi sinabi sakin ng kaibigan mo, gusto mo daw ako, ang verbatim nga "madly inlove". Konteng tulak na lang ba, aakapin mo na ako nung panahong inosenteng magkatabi tayo sa kama. Kund dumikit pa ng konte yung muka mo sa muka ko, hahalikan mo ba ako? O ako lang ang mejo patay na patay sa'yo?

Yun lang. Hindi ko mapigilan isipin kahit hanggang ngayon. Yung ano kaya kung ganun ang nangyari.

Meanie

I am a big meanie. Babies and children are supposed to be precious, and their parents are surely thinking they are the most beautiful things on earth. But there's this one baby/kid that from the very first I saw it reminded me of sea monkeys. So one day, I cannot hold it anymore and needed affirmation that the kid really looks like a sea monkey... the kid did, kinda. Then I thought long and hard and finally realized who the kid really looks like... that creature in Where the Wild Things Are (see image below.)

The one in the center.

Bad me, bad.

Pampatapang

Namatayan ako ng kapatid, nabuntis ako, nagulo ng konte ang plano ko, nawalan ako ng anak, nagulo muli plano ko, nadepress ako, nakaranas na halos mabaliw at muntik magpakamatay sa naging problema (di ko na babanggitin kung ano, tapos na yun), may mga pamangkin akong sinusuportahan (katuwang ang magulang at natira kong mg kapatid) ng pinansyal ng hindi ko ginusto. Wala akong pinagdaanan. Tuloy ko kasi pang pinagdadaanan. Yun lang. Salamat. :-)

Isinulat ko ito bilang sagot sa isang kumento na nakapagpa-pantig sa aking tenga. Pinagdaanan. Na tila hindi ko alam ang pakiramdam nun o hindi ko naiintindihan ang konsepto nun.

Una sa lahat, sa edad kong bente-singko, mas marami na akong pinagdaanan kesa nakakarami... at tuloy ko pang pinagdadaanan lahat yun.

Lumaki ako sa bahay kung saan pareho ng aking magulang ay hindi na nagta-trabaho, na iniraraos ang pang-araw-araw naming gastos sa pamamagitan ng isang maliit na negosyo. Nakatapos ako sa private school hindi dahil may pera kami ngunit dahil marunong tumupad sa pangako ang nanay ko. Promisory note. Kung kaya pinagbutihan ko ang pag-aaral ko, hindi sa pag-aangat ng bangko, pero pinilit kong maging magaling at nagpaka-talino dahil ang bilin ng nanay ko "Edukasyon lang ang pamanang maibibigay namin". Cliche pero totoo. Lagi nyang sinasabi sa'kin tuwing magrereklamo ako na nahihirapan na ako mag-aral lalo na ng Math sa UP, "Kung mahirap mag-aral, mas mahirap ang di nakapag-aral."

Lumaki ako sa isang magulong tahananan dahil sa kapatid ko na tila naghahanap ng problema at kung walang mahanap, ay syang gumagawa nito. Pampa-adrenaline nya siguro. May mga panahon na kinakailangan kong magkulong sa kwarto at umiyak habang may struggle ang buong pamilya dahil sa problemang dinala nya. Nag-bisyo, nagloko, nakulong, nag-bisyo, nakulong muli. Nangutang ng pam-pyansa. Namatay, nagiwan ng mga ulila at asawa, naghanap ng iba ang asawa at nang makahanap ng iba sa katwiran na kelangan ng katuwang, lalong naghirap at naiwan ang mga ulilang anak sa amin. Sa edad kong bente-tres, meron akong pinapaaral ng kolehiyo. Bente-singko, kolehiyo at highschool. Maging magulang sa ganung edad, i-try nyo nga.

Nakaranas na akong lokohin ng lalake at ipagpalit sa kung sinong putang dancer na walang pinag-aralan. Nakakababa ng self-esteem yon. UP graduate ako tapos ipagpapalit ako sa isang dancer na mas manipis pa sa onion paper ang bokabularyo. Umiiyak ako sa gabi hanggang magmadaling araw. Tulala ako habang naglalakad.

Sabi ko mag-aaral pa ako, pero sa gitna ng pagpa-plano ng pagbabalik sa eskwela at mag-masters na, nabuntis ako. Nagulo ang mga plano. Naiba ang pokus ng buhay ko. Gusto ko na lang bigyan ng magandang buhay yung nasa sinapupunan ko. Wag na ako mag-aral ng post-grad whatever shit. Magiipon na lang ako ng pera at magta trabaho ng malupit para yung anak ko makakapag-masters, PhD, LLB, MBA, kahit ano, kung gusto nya.

Ilang buwan sa pagbubuntis ko, nalaman ko na wala na pala yung bata, wala nang tibok ng puso. Nakunan ako. Dinala sa ospital para ma-raspa. Sa gitna ng procedure na D&C. Natutunan ko ang takot ng mga nanay sa panganganak, bagamat patay na sanggol na katumbas lamang ng dalawang kutsarang dugo ang kinayod mula sa matres ko ang lumabas. Ang daming aparato na nakakabit sa'kin. Isine-sedate ako para matulog, pero nilalabanan ko dahil pakiramdam ko, pag natulog ako mamamatay ako dahil naririnig ko ang pagtunog ng lifeline ko. Nagpa-flatlline ako tuwing makakaramdam ng antok. Nagulo muli ang plano, di ko alam kung maituturing na post-partum depression yun pero, na lungkot ako. Yung lungkot na nanunuot sa buto. Yung tipo na maiiyak ka na lang sa gabi, luluha pag may commercial na pang-bata, pag may nakikita kang pamilyang magkakasama.

Nagdaan kami ng asawa ko sa isang problema na halos pumatay sakin, napakaaga sa aming relasyon. Umabot sa gusto ko nang mamatay dahil kung hindi, mababaliw ako. Ayoko nang ibigay ang lahat ng detalye, pero ganung ka-saklap. Tatlong kaibigan lang ang nasabihan ko sa problemang iyon. Sa kanila ako humihingi ng tulong at sumasandal, sila ang pumigil sakin na wakasan ang lahat.

***

Siguro me sa demonyo nga ako. Mas may tiwala kasi ako sa scientist kesa sa pari. Nakakakita ako ng mga butas sa katwiran ng mga pari sa sermon nila sa misa, pero hindi ko china-challenge ang napatunayan na ng agham. Alam ko din may limitasyon ang lahat ng bagay, merong posible at imposible. Walang point na idasal na mabuhay ang taong alam mo mamamatay na. Siguro sadista ang tingin nyo sa'kin. Pero sa totoo lang, mas pinapahirap nyo ang mga bagay sa ganyan. Sabi ng tatay ko, "May mga bagay na talagang mangyayari. Tulad ng kamatayan". Nagustuhan ko yun, dahil nung sinabi kong buntis ako at magpapakasal kami ng asawa ko noon sa edad kong bente-dos, hindi sya nagalit, tinanggap nya lang. Mangyayari at mangyayari kahit anong pigil mo, kahit anong dasal mo na hindi mangyari.

Hindi ako nagdasal sa gitna ng lahat na yun.

Tuwing may mahihirap na pagsusulit (Math), sinasabi ng nanay ko ipagdadasal nya ako. Hindi naman kasi ako naniniwala, kaya ako nag-aaral lang lahat ng makakaya ko. Mas maganda para sakin yung aksyon kesa pagdarasal.

Nung nagkakagulo na sa bahay dahil sa kuya ko, hindi ako nagdadasal, sa gitna ng pag-iyak ko, ang iniisip ko lang kung anong magagawa ko para mabago ang kalagayan namin, na mag-aaral ako ng mabuti para makatapos agad at makaranas ng maginhawang buhay ang magulang ko dahil pinahirapan sila ng kuya ko.

Nung bigla kaming nagkaroon ng pag-aaralin sa kolehiyo at highschool nang mamatay ang kapatid ko, hindi ko inisip na magiging okay ang mga bagay dahil magpo-provide ang Dios, si Allah, si Shiva, kungsinuman. Ang sinabi ko lang sa mga pamangkin ko, magtipid kayo at maga-aral ng mabuti at nag-trabaho lang ako. Tuloy-tuloy.

Nung lokohin ako ng lalaki, hindi ako nagdasal para bumalik sya sa'kin o tamaan sya ng kidlat. Nagsulat ako ng nagsulat. Inilabas ko ang sama ng loob ko at pinagisipan kung bakit nagkaganun... at natuto ako. Para hindi na maulit yun.

Nang mabuntis ako, di ko inisip na tutulungan kami ng Panginoon para malagpasan yun. Ang pagtingin ko, ginawa namin yun at kelangan naming maging responsable sa ginawa namin. Magtatrabaho kami para may kainin kami. Hindi kami magdarasal for our daily bread.

Nung nawala ang baby namin, nalungkot ako. Pero inisip ko na malamang nagkaganun dahil sa hindi tip-top-shape ang katawan ko. Na hindi natuloy ang anak namin hindi dahil sa yung ang gusto ni Bathala, kundi dahil sa estado ng kalusugan ko. Na kelangan kong maging mas malakas para makapagluwal ng malusog na bata.

Nung nagka-problema kami ng asawa ko, di pa din ako nagdasal. Inisip ko kung ano ang makakapag-ayos sa mga nangyari. Nung una, gusto ko mamatay kasi unang beses kaming nagkaproblema ng ganung kalaki. Pero nang naayos na namin, tumapang lang ako, tumatag. Natuto muli.

Di ko kelangan ng liwanag mula sa langit o di nakikitang kalapati para tumapang... O magdesisyon na maging matatag. 

Ang pagiging matatag at matapang ay isang conscious na desisyon. Tinanggal ko ang nauna kong sinulat na talata dahil hindi naintindihan ng marami ang ibig kong sabihin. Isinulat ko yun bilang isang pagyayabang -- madami akong pinagdaanan at tuloy na pinagdadaanan. Hindi ako humihingi ng tulong. Hindi ko kelangan magdasal para maging okay  Hindi ko rin po kelangan ang pagdarasal nyo dahil hindi ako naniniwala dun.

Ang pinaniniwalaan ko ay nag-iisip ang tao, may kapasidad na matuto sa pinagdadaanan, sa bawat pagkakamali, at mula sa mga natutunan, dun sya tatatag. Pampatapang. Mas marami akong natutunang prinsipyo sa Fight Club at 1984 kesa sa mga misang dinaluhan ko nung nasa Catholic School pa ako.

Grow Up (that's a command)

You know how in school there were bullies, the ones who get your lunchbox or steal your lunch money?

I was on the balancing beam. I had friends from the popular clique and had friends who are not the "IT" people. Highschool was that. I survived on wits and finding equilibrium.

I was able to get into a prestigious university for college. I thought all the cliques and bullying was finally over. In the university I went to, people only cared for themselves. It is survival of the fittest minus the backstabbing. It was a university that regarded intellectual honesty as one of its core values. People (mostly) were honestly fighting their way through undergrad (though some may have used tears, connections, etc. to get their way). There were rich kids, poor kids, frat boys, sorority girls; there were parking lot fights, misunderstandings and debates on ideology, principles, and sometimes, their favorite actors. But during the course of my stay in that university. I don't think I've witnessed the classic bullying we all know of.

And so, I faced the real world and stepped into the corporate scene brave to know that all those "Highschool never ends" and bullying shit happen only in the movies, or books; and that people in the real world of adults are mature enough, if not professional enough, to act in accordance to decorum.

But it's not. With the dawn of the social-network-TMI-lifestyle, this became worse. Covert bullying and explicit alienation.

Often I witness this and take the moral high ground by ignoring them. If it's too rampant and is affecting my mood on a day-to-day basis, I unsubscribe/unfollow/unfriend. Sometimes, if it irritates me too much already, or I felt provoked, I tend to play fire with fire.

But to the people who does this on a daily basis. What do you get out of it? A false sense of superiority? Delusion of grandeurs and megalomania, does it make you feel better?

But really, when you think about it, when you dissect the core. Why would you care so much about other people? Much so, the people are not celebrities who have decided to put their lives on the open and public scrutiny to be talked about? What will you get out of it? If it causes you pain, ignore it, otherwise, you're just making the flame so much stronger; and extinguishing the hate in your gut will be so much more difficult.

For me, it illustrates an underlying insecurity. People who are never happy with themselves and their lives – they have nothing better to talk about and nothing better to do. No tales nor anecdotes to share with friends and other people in general; and in effect, you talk about other people. Idle hands are the devil's playground -- a phrase I learned early in grade school after watching that Devon Sawa film. If people are busy and living lives interesting enough, they'd share about their experiences; and not dwell on envy and hate for others.

Grow up. Stop thinking that the world spins around you. If you do that, you'll start minding your own business and just let other people be, too.

SRSLY

Oppa Gangnam Style. SRSLY?! Why?!

I don't understand why would we let songs like this hit it big here in our country. I don't like Kpop, Jpop, whatever. I just want to understand the songs I listen to. I am primarily interested in lyrics and melody second, so don't even try to argue that with music it's about feeling emotions and what have you in the melody, because I am interested in lyrics. It's not even racism shit, because I like Anggun because I can understand the lyrics even if she is Indonesian.

I wanna kill myself sporadically sometimes when I hear songs like this play.

Even more reason for me to doubt the existence of a higher power.

Taking a Dump

I have had about a dozen real-life (as opposed to TV/movie) crushes and/or puppy loves and/or flings and/or date around and/or manliligaw before I ended up with my husband. None of them lasted for more than a year, so I never really thought they're big deals. Though I will remember why all of them didn't work (euphemism for I dumped them for some).

1. Talked shit.
2. Was a mainstream jock.
3. Too gangsta and was/is broke.
4. We were too young.
5. Poor dental hygiene.
6. Was a playah.
7. Too nice and too sweet,
8. LDRs don't work.
9. Too big/bulky.
10. Too religious, a liar, stupid and has bad music taste.
11. Was just after the nookie.
12. Liar.
13. Wearing dentures.

You who's reading this... Were you one of them? ;p 

So yeah, I've had that many losers before I ended up with my husband. Good thing I didn't end up with them. I think having to go through ALL that made me smarter when I finally came to my final decision. How about you?

We Practice Natural Family Planning. We're Married. We're Young Urban Professionals. We're Pro-RH.

I love the fact that it is women who have children who support RH. Something that anti-RH people will never understand is the risk mothers go through giving birth. I, who had a miscarriage, and did not have the child, experienced the verge of flat-lining while the doctors performed D&C.

Ask women who sacrificed their lives for the lives of their yet-to-be-born child. Ask husbands and fathers who were left by wives giving birth. Ask children who grew up without a mother, because she died giving birth to them or their siblings.

I hope people will choose the educated choice, not the merely self-righteous one.

For one, me and my husband are using the natural family planning method because we know how it works and it works for us. But there are women who have irregular cycles, making the natural method an unfit choice. I'm not gonna shove down their throats the method that we're using. It's about choice. About people being able to choose what is most convenient and what will work best for them. Forcing them to practice one method alone, when there are options defeats the purpose of DEMOCRACY.

People who use condoms or any artificial contraceptives ARE NOT PROMISCUOUS. They are SMART. They are the ones who are responsible enough to have foresight of what having a brood of children requires. Money to feed them, to clothe them, to put a roof above their heads and to send them to school.

Tell me that money isn't all that and I'll tell you to ask the Vatican to sell all their properties and use all that money to support all the families who cannot feed, clothe and educate their children because the natural methods failed, and they don't even earn enough have access to cheap artificial contraception, or aren't learned enough to know about artificial contraception because they weren't educated as well.

I don't even get this demonizing tactic and all the scapegoating. Sorry for the long-ass post, but I really have had enough of this debate. It shouldn't even be a debate after all. I hope people will start thinking and stop being a bunch of rigid, prude, virginal and self-righteous blind followers.

Overdue on RH*

I said I don’t want to blog politics anymore. But I feel like this one is inevitable. I am merely speaking as a woman, an educated woman who cares for her body and the future of her soon-to-be-family, who is aware of the dangers of giving birth and how mothers die giving birth when it could’ve been avoided to start with, the peril of sexually transmitted diseases spreading, the degrading economic conditions and how poverty is at all time high. Yes you might judge me for my agnosticism, or my past and current political affiliations for my biases, and that I am a rebel without a cause bratting my way into this debate

I am not as articulate as I used to, I realized; I have not read 60-page readings on the subject at hand to back me up. However, I cannot quite create a coherent wordplay to express my disdain on the Catholic Church for spoon-feeding, if not brainwashing their followers into a state of sublime naïveté on the matter. Again, I am not an expert; I will not debate and challenge friars, fanatics and pompous asses. This is just my two cents, free-flowing.

The Bible did not fall from the heaven, inscribed by lightning, landed on earth to be our sole guide in everything. If anything, it is a history book, a literary piece, a constitution of sorts if you will; and just like any constitution, it may be subject to amendments once it’s proven to be untimely. Jesus, is anything, is an icon, a revolutionary. I am not an atheist, though. I do believe in some form of Higher Power or Supreme Being. But the dogma of Catholicism is too much. Believe me, I studied in a “Catholic School” and was even dubbed Best in Christian Living. But if there’s one thing that I understood well in the Old Book, it is that human beings have freewill and I am merely practicing it. That has been my principle. Freedom. Tolerance. Freewill. I am free to to know, to understand, to analyze, to challenge theories and create my own ones if I found those existing to be insufficient and incapable of satisfying all my questions. The world, the society we live in, the technology we posses exists because of people who ask, who challenge and are not satisfied with what is just being handed to them. I feel the deepest of contempt to the blind followers.

Sure, the natural family planning method worked back circa 15 AD to 1940s, when the earth still needed inhabitants. But now, people are fighting for the most basic resources to survive. I think earth doesn’t need more inhabitants, I’m definite we’re nearing the threshold of earth’s capacity population-wise. The people are suffering because of this: low quality education, high poverty rate, rotten health care and social welfare programs, mass hunger. Awareness is the key to responsibility. If the Church continues to instill the idea of ‘sex is taboo’, people will never learn.

Sex is good, it is primal. The result of which is an infant (Juno, 2007). But if the parents cannot provide a good life to the kid, if the parents cannot even provide nourishment to the baby because they have seven more that they also need to feed, if the children resort to begging in the streets, if the mother will have to die giving birth because of lack of options, leaving the father raising a kid by himself, if the children will have to literally fight for a chance to quality education and health care. Wouldn’t it be nicer if the couple had an option firsthand on how they’ll go about with their sexual affairs and were clear with the size of the family that they want? As such all the needs will be provided to these children. Don’t get me wrong, I am all about family, and that it should provide the children the proper building blocks of life, values and principles for the next generation who will inherit our country and our world.

The RH Bill is not about legalizing abortion. It must be seen and understood in it’s complexity, how it has the capacity to solve the grassroots problem that escalates into the economic crisis we’re experiencing. It is about giving better options, to provide better life that will produce better people that will create a better country and a better world.

I’ve heard this on the news, unsure of the verbatim, but in essence: Catholics are not to be bound by the RH Bill.

My reply: Filipinos are not bound by Catholicism neither. We are all only bound by our own decisions based on freewill.

But then again, that’s just me. An opinion, not an absolute truth. After all, no one controls the monopoly of truth… or wisdom. Unless you're a tyrannical fascist with the worst case of Megalomania.


* I wrote this last October 4, 2010.

Scent-i

Scent. It brings out the best and worst in me. I remember events and people through scents. There are times that I get happy  and find myself smiling by myself in public transport because I smelled something that reminded me of my childhood, like when I smell someone wearing the cologne I used to wear when I was in my "tween years".

Early today, on my way home, I was riding the trike and beside me was this guy. I do not know him, nor did I really look at him, since it was around 5-ish in the morning (and the fact that he is a stranger, I think it would be rude to stare). It was really windy and I was able to get a whiff of his cologne. All I know is he smells like someone I knew. I remembered the person. And I don't really enjoy remembering the said person because it brings back a lot of hate and revenge memories, and memories I've already forgotten or chose to forget; but they just came back because of that one stimulus.

Auf Wiedersehen, Tante Elena.

In the picture above is Mike and me with tita Elena. The first and last time tita Elena met my husband. Tita Elena is my favorite aunt, no doubt. What's my criteria? Well, prettiness is a factor, amount of papasko (when I was a kid), the aura she evokes and lessons learned from her.

About 2 weeks ago, tita Elena was hospitalized, she fell off tripped beside the stairs. She had to undergo operation, about a week ago, relatives said that she's critical 50/50, then the next day, she seemed to have recovered. But news that she died yesterday around 2 pm came. Apparently, she wasn't able to fully recuperate from the operation. She was just resting in the hospital until she gets better and may be released. We planned to visit her in the hospital 2 weekends ago, but since they're only bringing a car, only kuya Red, addy, mama, tito Junior, tito Ben and mommy (tita) Viring II were able to go. We said we'll visit last weekend, but no one would drive - Mike doesn't know the place and my kuya's were too busy. Around late afternoon yesterday, my dad and the rest of his siblings went to tita Elena and my cousin kuya Rodney drove. I became sad. Really.

Tita Elena is my dad's eldest sister. She is roughly 85 86 already. My lola, Crisencia, first married a German (name undisclosed), and this was the height of Germany's Nazi Reich. Lola Crising had two daughters with the German, Elena and Virginia. But according to my mom's stories of lola Crising's life, the German was cruel and she decided to leave him and split the kids - tita Elena was left with lola and tita Viring I went with the German. She then married a Filipino man, she had 5 children with Gregorio. Lolo Yoyong and lola Crising had Gregorio Jr., Benjamin, twins Alberto (my dad) and Antonio and Virginia. Lola Crising named her youngest daughter Virginia again because she lost her first Virginia.

I was 4 when lola Crising died, and tita Elena was the closest thing to a lola that I had, from my father's side. Tita Elena is funny but soft-spoken, she is very beautiful - up there along the ranks of Gloria Romero; she's very classy and really nice, even to me, who was a hard-headed child. She kisses me and sniffs me when she sees me. I love going to their place in Tanay when I have the chance (not much during college) because her cooking is the best. Her sopas is my favorite - when my mom cooks sopas, I ignore; but hers, I devour - maybe because tita Elena's sopas became my standard to what sopas is good. Last time I saw her was during the fiesta. We went to Tanay to visit her. She told me that when she's watching TV and sees the artista on TV (we don't know who), she thinks of me and boasts to people "na yung pamangkin ko (pertaining to me), ganyan ang itsura", which made us laugh. Then she served a very big lunch for us around 6 dishes and 3 types of dessert; sopas was not missing, she knows how much I love it. I brought the laptop and showed her pictures of our civil wedding - she wasn't there, since we decided to make it a very nuclear affair; I promised her that she'll be invited at my church wedding next year, she was ecstatic about it.

Tita Elena, we love you and we'll miss you. At least you don't feel the pain anymore.

Memoriam: NU 107

People can call  me a poser coz I go public donning a pink dress and pink lips but when they crush my bones and my bone marrow will spill black oil because despite all of the kikay tendencies, if you'll dissect the innermost of my gut, you'll probably see a black metal studded cuff if you rummage deep enough my insides.

Fifth grade was when I started to actively watch MTV and listen to the radio. Prior to this, I listened to what my brothers listened to, that is Pearl Jam, Metallica, Nirvana, Bon Jovi, Tears for Fears,The Dawn, Yano and Eraserheads. Though pop was big back in '97 (spell boybands, girlbands and the dawn of Britneys), I found myself attracted to watching MTV Alternative Nation and indie-Lilith Fair-esque women on MTV's playlist and listening to NU 107. My first few faves within the genre were Oasis, Matchbox20, Suede, No Doubt, Sarah Mclachahn, Bjork, Shawn Colvin, Meredith Brooks, Blur, Prodigy and Silverchair.

13 years since '97, NU 107 aired it's finale. This made me sad. A lot. I UStreamed the final minutes and I feel like breaking down in tears. The final song they played at 11:59 pm, November 7, 2010 was Huling El Bimbo by the Eraserheads. Fitting. Huling Sayaw, magkahawak ang kamay.

NU has been my source of non-mainstream and most of all substantial music. NU has been home of Gang Badoy and RockEd radio - which I totally appreciate as a sensible  forum that discussed social, economic and political issues and educated the youth minus the boredom and mediocrity brought upon by primetime news, it activated learning and encouraged opinion. I learned in NU 107 what I never learned in UP and at home. The rest is trivial.

When people, or in this case broadcast media of this caliber is lost, it makes me ponder on the future of humanity. REALLY. What will happen to our kids? Will they be forever trapped in an abyss of Disney Channel and pop music, stupidity and apathy? That would be hell, at least in my perspective. That's totally been my pet peeve, apathy and the lack of balls. I vowed to breed a spawn of indie-counterculture-non-mainstream kids who'll go against the flow. Not a bunch of clones who'll take crap just because it's the only thing presented to them.

Rock music (and its sub-genres) isn't just rock music. It's a lifestyle-one that makes sense. And I'm glad I chose it over all the other genres available in the market. Listening to NU and rock music per se drew the rebel in me, and aren't I glad. Thank you, NU. You will be forever, forever missed.

Note: #NU and #NU107 in Twitter. It feels like someone died.

44.5 kg

I've been getting a lot of "Pumapayat ka" comments lately. I don't know if I should be happy about it since I'm not trying to lose weight at all. I'm not in any form of diet; I eat 5-6 times a day. Even my husband will attest to it, I eat more than he does, especially when it comes to the 2 evil carbo-sources: rice and fries. Yet I manage to stay below the 100 lbs mark because all those stuff I put in, is no match with all the stress I have. Considering my relatively simple and laid-back lifestyle compared to the other people around me, I get stressed a lot - reason why I swear by clean living, spend my weekends just at home resting and never have been a fan of the party scene.

The Friday before last Friday, I woke up really, really dizzy and nauseated I had to take a night off and use my sick leave. I went to the doctor the next day and explained everything that happened, the nurse took my vital signs. Normal temperature, low blood pressure (80/60). The doctor gave me prescription for Serc, deducing the incident to have been caused by vertigo; and requested that I undergo blood test, ECG and 2D-Echo. After starvation (the blood test requires I fast for 8 hours) and much pain (the 2D-Echo hurt my breasts so bad), lab results show Sinus Bradycardia (ECG) and normal heart (atrium, ventricle, etc) with small main pulmonary artery. In other words, no major illness. The doctor said that it was purely stress-related and that I should just take multivitamins, Centrum in particular.

So maybe the 2 month Management Training I had - twice a week, 4 hours pre-shift; management mentoring, the daily deadlines and neverending urgents from the bosses, business sideline, running a household, bills, groceries, blogging and reading books took its toll finally.

There. I'm stressed. Best way to lose weight. Works for me.