INFJ

Took Carl Jung's personality test and this is the result:

INFJ Personality
"Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness." -- Martin Luther King
The INFJ type is believed to be very rare (less than 1 percent of the population) and has an unusual set of traits. Even though their presence can be described as very quiet, INFJ personalities usually have many strong opinions, especially when it comes to issues they consider really important in life. If an INFJ is fighting for something, this is because they believe in the idea itself, not because of some selfish reasons.
INFJINFJ personalities are drawn toward helping those in need: they may rush to the place of a major disaster, participate in rescue efforts, do charity work, etc. INFJs see this as their duty and their purpose in life. People with this personality type firmly believe that nothing else would help the world as much as getting rid of all the tyrants (though preferably in a non-violent way). Karma and similar concepts are very attractive to INFJs.
These tendencies are also strengthened by the fact that INFJ personalities have a unique combination of idealism and decisiveness. This means that their creativity and imagination can be directed toward a specific goal. Few other personality types have this trait, and this is one of the most important reasons why many INFJs are able to eventually realize their dreams and make a lasting positive impact.
INFJs are masters of written communication, with a distinctively smooth and warm language. In addition, the sensitivity of INFJs allows them to connect to others quite easily. Their easy and pleasant communication can often mislead bystanders, who might think that the INFJ is actually a very sociable person.
INFJs should be careful to avoid “overheating” as their zeal and determination can sometimes get out of hand. As Introverts (I), INFJs need to have some “alone time” every once in a while; otherwise their internal energy reserves will get depleted really quickly. If this happens, the INFJ may surprise everybody around them by withdrawing from all their activities for a while, and since other people usually see INFJs as always friendly and sociable, this can leave them both surprised and concerned.
INFJs take great care of other people’s feelings and expect others to return the favor. Unsurprisingly, people with this personality type are very sensitive and vulnerable to conflicts. Even the most rational INFJs may find it quite difficult to not take criticism personally—this is the INFJ’s Achilles’ heel. If someone with an INFJ personality cannot escape the conflict, they will do their best to deal with it head on, but this will result in a lot of stress and may also potentially lead to health problems or highly irrational behavior.

Dream

Today, I woke up amidst a dream that takes me 7 to 10 years back. I felt like my college self, waking up to a sweet dream full of hopes for the future, and upon waking up, deciding to stay in bed and imagine how the rest of the dream ought to end for hours.

Then I realize that my dreams were not reality. The future then is now present. And it is different from how I envisioned it then.

Hashtag Work Hashtag Shock

Ending the night second guessing Charles Darwin and Niccolo Machiavelli. 

Survival of the fittest? End justifies the means?

The universe has a perverse sense of humor and screwing up creatures randomly in sporadic periods of time may be the only way to achieve balance. Things don't just happen for a reason. Things are not predetermined. No one is special. Let's all suck it up. This only is one of the plethora of instances when we feel puny and powerless. But guess what, the good thing is, we are capable of analysing and learning and deciding. And at the end of the day, everything is still up to us.

#News #Work #Shock #SocialDarwinism #Machiavellian #Humanist

Last night I heard news of retrenchment in the company I work for, 25 people ended up without jobs. Effective immediately. Allegedly some performance based, some due to redundancy, some due to cost. I don't understand really, here I am on a leave of absence and somehow I am still secured of a job I can go back to in a month's time, but some people are not. I don't know what really drove this, only the higher ups will really know--Big Brother and cohorts. While the company I work for drives for transparency as much as possible, we all know that in reality, there's only really so much that we can know straightforward; the rest will need major research to be discovered or it will gently unfold in front of our very eyes before we even realize it. People will hide things from you to protect you, or because they need you and they can't lose you, or because it's the only way they'll survive, they'll swim at the expense of you sinking -- without letting you into the real score.

If it was up to me, I'd want dinosaurs to be around. It maybe unsafe but it is fun in a nerve-racking sort of way.

But they're gone and humankind came up of ways to achieve the same "unsafe but it is fun in a nerve-racking sort of way" sensation through cliff diving, sky diving, bungee jumping, among others.

It  really sucks that some of the people who ended up losing their jobs are the ones that I've grown close to, even worse, especially those who I know really NEED the job more than anything. The ones who didn't have an option and just decided to stay because their survival depends on it. I wanted these people to still be able to enjoy the security of job and income, but there really is nothing to be done right now but just hold our heads high and try again. Do what it takes to release emotions, the tension; know that there are people around you who are empathizing. Get mad, cry, question everything in your lives, move on, shrug it off. It might not be an easy feat, but it is part of the human experience; and know that you're not alone -- people suffer and fight battles everyday.

It is sad, that there is no way we can attain balance without having some people being worse off, getting the shorter end of the stick. Pareto in application. There is a balance, though not always rooted on equality and this can lead to the inevitable Marxist grand narrative. But in the end it just makes you feel powerless, people are dispensable; for the big players, we're mere means to an end. We're gonna be living for a much longer time with things like this happening, screwing up our lives one after another. We'll work our asses off with promises of a good great life. We sacrifice because there could be something better waiting for us at the other side. Until the final time when the universe decides that were more of a liability more than anything and we should just cease to exist, and there are no rewards -- just void.

Look Before You Cross the Road

It's been almost a month since the incident happened. I'm doing self-therapy. I've read more books in the past twenty-something days than I did the last half a year. I've read pages upon pages of news, articles, infographs, gossip, stories in the net; some useful, mostly trivial. I've discovered manga too, all thanks to my husband who introduces activities and movies to keep me busy and forget just even for a bit. My husband brought me paint and brushes and a big paint pad too.  Here are some of my artworks, they are not outstanding or anything, but it keeps the tears from falling or the person writing this from downing a whole bottle of meds.

But I still hurt, physically and emotionally. I still find myself crying alone before I sleep, silently so I don't wake other people. I cry over human interest stories that I relate to. I want to slaughter everyone who posts a baby anecdote or photo in facebook for lack of sensitivity that while their source of unending bliss is reminding me of something that I might not have always wanted, but somehow fail at. How fucked up is that? You don't even want it in the first place, it comes unannounced in your life but you're gonna fail in it anyway, just so the plot thickens. My facebook is right now mostly showing huffington post, mental floss and i fucking love science feeds. I don't have the time to deal with other people's bullshit. Leave me alone in my magma chamber of rationality and facts. I just want to be left alone. I don't like being asked how I am. It will spew out a Pandora's box of incoherent emotions. I'm not in the mood to be chatty. I am miserable.

People will probably judge me about my negativity, but this is reality and I can't be genuinely happy right now. I like to plan my life, that's my obsessive-compulsive disorder on hyperdrive and what I have here in front of me is not going according to plan. Seriously, my life is not even half perfect enough for such a mess to shake things up. Have the rich kids go through this, have Heart Evangelista, Paris Hilton or something go through this, because their families won't budge and hurt financially over these mundane expenses. I on the other hand though, am the breadwinner and I don't get why am I being fucked up like this, when I have bills to pay and mouths to feed. I am angry. I'm delirious.

It's taking time, I know but I'll go crazy if I force my moving on, grieving and healing to happen. Things will fall into place, I know. But grieving and healing takes time. I will take my time. Not everything is predetermined and not everything happens for a reason. Things happen because people drive them, and I'm driving into something that will unfold in a longer period of time than expected.

"I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road." - Stephen Hawking

Fuhrer

Today, after spending a suffocating fortnight at home, Mike and I decided that I can go out. I can sit, stand and walk small distances without hurting so much, and we did not want to waste the cinema tickets for The Amazing Spider-Man 2.

Getting in and out of the car was a chore, I felt like an old lady having to hold the grab handle and positioning my legs awkwardly so I don't suddenly twist and strain my waist. Walking was painfully slow, with the pace I was in, an ant or a turtle could probably outwalk me. Standing for long periods of time waiting for the e-plus woman to give us our ticket was tormenting.

You held my back getting out of the car; you found the nearest available parking slot to the mall entrance; you held my arm as I walk in a pace slower than that old lady (that you jokingly said I should ask to race); you carried my bag (despite our staunch advocacy as a couple that women who carry around tons of shit inside their purses should be able to carry their own purses and not emasculate their boyfriends/husbands with stupid rhinestoned, sparkly, pink purses); you stopped each time I said that things are starting to get painful; you were very protective of me, reminding me to be extra careful as people might accidentally bump me even how careful we try to be; you bought me my favorite subway sandwich; you treated me to frozen yogurt so I can sit peacefully in the kiosk while you queued and paid the bills in the bank; you made me stand in the mall entrance so I don't have to walk again to the car and you picked me up, valet-style.

I'm very happy coming home -- despite all the tragedies that found its way in our usually action-comedy life -- that you are with me, holding my hand. I'm gonna throw in the waterworks as well when I say that today I realized that you meant what you said that first day of March, two years ago and eighteenth of December, four years ago. The grammar nazi in me couldn't help but notice the mispronunciation of the word poorer into foorer, and it always brings Adolf Hitler into the mix; for I was a Nazi and you unconsciously just said fuhrer (Fuhrer in German means leader which was what they called Hitler). You occasionally have those inevitable p-f and b-v deficiency; after all, you are a civil engineer, not a call center agent.

But I remember how you said to me twice as a couple, that you'll be with me "for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health". I just realized that we are a walking proof of those vows and for that I'm very thankful for you. Prior to our wedding, we had an engagement shoot, we chose Mr & Mrs. Smith as the theme because we love action movies, we love Brangelina and we know that love is NEVER a walk in the beach, a stroll in the park, nor a picnic made in heaven; love is battlefield and we'll wear our battle scars proudly with every war we face together.

I'll marry you a thousand times over if our lives permit it, even if it means that we end up like Ellie and Carl. Just the two of us, holding hands.

Losing Again

I'm a control freak. I like to plan.

"As he made his morning coffee, Tengo found himself silently wishing that this peaceful time could go on forever. If he said it aloud, some keen-eared demon somewhere might overhear him. And so he kept his wish for continued tranquility to himself. But things never go the way you want them to, and this was no exception. The world seemed to have a better sense of how you wanted things not to go."*

Things NEVER go the way you want them to go. The universe have always had a perverse sense of humor. I've said this since I was in college. Even how carefully and studiously you plan, something happens that just shakes your world and wakes you up, as if to say, you cannot have it so easy. You can't have a perfect life. It does not matter if you work your ass off to accomplish a plan, to reach a goal, to attain a dream. Something's bound to mess up.

I had an ectopic pregnancy which had to be removed after rupturing last week. If I don't have it removed, I might die. I also had a miscarriage 5 years ago. One of the friends who I informed of this told me that there's nothing I can't face anymore, no burden will be too heavy.

Maybe I've gone through all this and maybe I should wear my battle scars proudly, but things just make me wonder. Why can't I have it my way? Some faithful, religious, bordering-fanatic people might say that I should just put everything in some higher power's hand, that we are mere people and we cannot control anything, that what we need will be handed and what we don't will be taken from us inevitably. I have not subscribed to such doctrine. I have offended so many with my beliefs I am aware, but I just can't get myself to believe any of it.

“If a certain belief—call it ‘Belief A’—makes the life of that man or this woman appear to be something of deep meaning, then for them Belief A is the truth. If Belief B makes their lives appear to be powerless and puny, then Belief B turns out to be a falsehood. The distinction is quite clear. If someone insists that Belief B is the truth, people will probably hate him, ignore him, or, in some cases, attack him. It means nothing to them that Belief B might be logical or provable. Most people barely manage to preserve their sanity by denying and rejecting images of themselves as powerless and puny.” *

I'd rather be powerless and puny in certain periods of my life, in certain aspects. Let me lose my mind a bit. But I don't wanna give up and just let some invisible force work its way into my life. I've seen lots whose lives did not get any better after surrendering their lives into some higher power. I saw then falter and finally fall, get buried, forgotten. I won't take that. I'd rather take control. What I believe in is human's power to think, to analyze, to understand, to adapt, to learn.

One of the best messages I received was from a schoolmate back in grade school, we were not even friends then, she was a year younger, all I remember is we always end up at the top of the class and we attend the recognition rites together. As we grew older I saw how our principles coincide, and that's how I felt that we built a friendship deeper than I usually have, despite the distance, despite the differences.

"I don't pray, I don't think I have the words that can provide comfort, you don't deserve any advice from me because I have not known the pain of loss and the hardship of losing control over different aspects of your life at  the same time. But please don't deny yourself of coping as a human being, write, even curse or scream, cry all day, if you have to. Don't deny yourself of the humanity in feeling helpless, of hurting, of questioning, of being vulnerable to the things we cannot explain. You will be in my thoughts and I will hold good intentions for your recovery, from both emotional and physical pain. Breathe, live one breath at a time."

What she wrote is not the cliched "be strong". She understood that more than being strong, I need to cope, to feel vulnerable, to feel the pain, to release the anger, to question everything I believed and did not believe in -- to feel human. After this, then I can go through the waves, then I can get back on track, put fresh grease and get the gears running.

Yes, I might be in limbo, in denial. I don't want to talk to anyone about what happened. That one composition I wrote would be enough to get my message through, to inform people of the gist. This is is me in my weakest, I haven't quite taken control yet. I'm still lost. What has happened to me got me thinking, of my capacity to bear a child, my fertility. What might not be my sole purpose but my husband's expectations of me -- sure he's been supportive, taking all the emotional baggage, carrying the psychological toll and accepting all the financial blows that this brought -- all that's happened might bring him to the edge. He loves me, I know. He brought me to the doctor, the hospital, bought my meds, skipped work, made ends meet, fed me, held my hand, my arm -- in my weakest, my helplessness. He waited, I just hope he does not get tired. He's always been a patient man; cool, reserved, logical. Characteristics that I like so much -- characteristics that I need to regain. But I need to break out first, to eject the toxins. I haven't quite done that yet.

I'll write, I'll read, I'll introspect, I'll create until I climb out of this hill of unwavering emotions. I'll translate all the vulnerability, all the nakedness into something else, until I'm back to my fighting form. I will learn and I will take the world with a bigger worldview. I might get a little more somber after this, but not surrendering, not losing control but taking control

*Excerpt from Haruki Murakami's novel 1Q84.

Kill Bill Vol. 2

Last Tuesday night, Mike and I found out that we're pregnant after a pregnancy test administered in St. Lukes. I called the office to check if we have maternity coverage under our HMO. If married, yes, they said. It was unexpected, but an accident that we would've accepted whole-heartedly. 5 minutes in the news, an ultrasound was done and they found out that it was an ectopic pregnancy and that it must be removed. Then they advised that maternity coverage of the HMO does not involve ectopic/abnormal pregnancies. It wasn't ruptured then and a laparoscpy was suggested ASAP, which as per St. Lukes will cost roughly 100-200k. We don't have that amount of money right now so we asked if its ok to get discharged and go to my actual OB. That 4 hours of tests costed 13k already. I sleeped that Tuesday night with the heaviest heart in between learning that we're pregnant, losing it yet again, questions about my womanhood and capacity to bear a child and the expenses that I have no idea how to shoulder. It was one of those death-rollercoaster types.

I woke up very early Wednesday morning and called my OB. She said she can meet me noon. I went to her clinic by myself as Mike had to go to his office first to apply for a salary loan to cover for the impending expenses. Upon check with Dr. Alcantara (my OB), she said that the supposed embryo has already ruptured and I need to undergo laparotomy, an open surgery to have the ruptured embryo removed and the bleeding siphoned ASAP, my right fallopian tube will be removed too. otherwise it's the risk of death. Recovery time is similar to Caesarian section, 2 months. I asked the probable cost and said it would be around 80k and we'd need 50k give or take prior admitting. She said we'll do it in the Paranaque Doctors Hospital where they have a blood bank, as there is a possibility I'd bleed profusely due to the procedure and would need transfusion. I met up with Mike who said his salary loan can only be approved and released the next week, since it is Lent. I advised my office about the dilemma. We're very grateful that Ms. Lesley and Tina advised that they can lend us part of the money needed. They sent kuyaChristoper to bring us 50k at the hospital.

Wednesday night, I was admitted to the OR. I was anasthetized, and in a few minutes I was out. Around 10 pm, the surgery was done. I spent about 3 hours in the recovery room before I was sent to the ward. My brothers were there, along with Mike, waiting for me, then I slept. Thursday was spent between crying, hurting, complaining, and just drinking water. I cannot eat solids yet. I'm back to being an infant, so helpless; minus the innocence.

It's Friday today and I'm still in the hospital. I still hurt. The area where the incision was done pains me like hell. Adding to the injury is the emotional toll, the financial worries. I apologize to everyone who are asking me how I was and I don't answer. I don't know how to answer, I start to cry when I do and I don't have the patience anymore to tell it separately. Tears fall from my eyes as I type this. I'm questioning everything I believed in and did not believe in. If this was some divine intervention of sorts or just reality that I must face. I've had a pretty good life. I had the education I need, a job that pays for the needs and then some, my family as weird as it is has always been functional. More than anything, I still stand by my ground on Reproductive Health. I could really use the clauses in the law right now. Maybe this will turn me more into a women's activist. Maybe this is a faith catalyst. Or maybe not.

I'm just thankful for the people who helped, who showed support, who gave the time to console and condole. I often thought that when people pray for you, you are helpless, I am often offended with that. But I am helpless right now. I feel so bad I'm running in my head ways to end things. But sure, pray for me if your faith and instinct tells you to do so; maybe it will help me, maybe it will help you. As Kurt Cobain put it, "thank you from the bottomless pit of my nauseous stomach". I'm 27 now, am I worthy of the 27 club?
I know this is a sad-borderline-morbid story and I shouldn't be thinking and writing what I am right now. I've always released my feelings best through writing and I thought this would be a great exercise for my sanity. Writing and re-reading my own thoughts give me an out-of-body experience of reading my own story and reflecting on it after I'm done. I am documenting this so I can stay sane

I'm tagging the people I want this shared with. Not everyone in my list are entitled to such knowledge and news. Feel free to share this with people who know me without malice, and would care about the story. Do not retell my tale differently...

PS. No more pregnancy jokes and when will you have a baby questions from now on. I fucking swear I'll punch in the face who will attempt to.

Pixie

So I finally decided to chop off my hair and go pixie yesterday. And this was how I felt about it.

I thought that pixie won't look good on me too for a long time. Not to sound too melodramatic, it took me a few months to make myself ready and lots of overanalyzing. I though that my face is too round, that I need to lose weight and get those jaws going on first and that I'd look like a boy and society might not find me pretty/attractive anymore.

Maybe Buddhism, yoga, research on all the varieties of pixie available and lots of inspirational and women empowerment quotes and the RH law made me make up my mind. I never felt more beautiful and strong. Yes, that haircut is an ode to womanhod.

RH Law

I've never felt so passionate over something for so long. The feminist in me is crying and shouting in wild joy. Again, it's not about shoving principles down people's throats. It's always about choice.

Part of my conscious ultimatums prior to child bearing was the RH Law. My faith in humanity is partially restored; the branches of the government despite the plethora of errors in so many facets has done one right. That's still a good thing.

And to commemorate this win, I've decided this afternoon that the #RoadToPixie must go on. They say feminists cut their hair short as a political statement. Then let this be it...

Now, let's fight for more freedom. Let's all choose to be in the correct side of history (specially when left is right).

#SafeSex #RHLaw #NoGloveNoLove #ProChoice #ProGoodLife #ReproductiveHealth #NotReproductiveDeath #SeparationOfChurchAndState #TaxTheChurchIfTheyInterfereWithState

So Far

At 26*, I just turned 27, I'm in that point of life where I eject toxins out of my life as I've realized that life is too short to spread myself too thin and end up suffering.

I value my family -- my husband who showers me with love (in the form of hugs, kisses, jokes, intimacy, finances, food, thoughtfulness, respect); my parents who are there for me as I am there for them; and my siblings -- as different we are.

I have friends, they're real and are not mere names that accummulated on my social media blackbook(s); we sometimes don't talk for long periods of time but when we do, it's still like it is -- 5, 10, 15 years ago.

When meeting other people, I keep my mouth shut - at first. I observe. How they behave, interact. I don't impose me. When I've gotten a hang of these new people and I enjoyed their company, they are promoted to friends.

I have fun, but not with strangers anymore. There is always a gaping hole, an emptiness after socializing with phonies. I laugh and scream my lungs out in joy -- with people I love, people I care about.

I respect other people's times. I am punctual, majority of the time; and I respect people who knows how to respect other people's time -- after all, time is the only thing we cannot really earn back.

I love myself, I fully realized that all the money in the world -- working like farm animals to get to that money -- is worthless if your health and wellness struggles. I love myself enough that I make sure I get enough sunshine, breathe fresh air.

I measure my happiness with the number of morning hugs I get from my husband and number of hours of sleep each night and not with the number of social network likes. I stretch -- probably more than my muscles, bones and joints can handle, with yoga.

I plant, I care for animals. I read books, articles, poetry -- I have been reading since I was four. I follow the news, I stay aware and informed on the real and important stories; I put gossip, fashion and drama at the least of my priorities. TV time has decreased immensely than I used to 7 years ago. Stretching the mind is just as important.

I admit faults. I am fast at apologizing and fixing them. When other people have faults, I give chances, I explain what was done wrong, and I try to fix things if I can do it so as not to hassle the other party. In the event that the other party used up all the chances, I come up with a solution such that similar events will not transpire anymore. To avoid further conflicts. I forget faults. Give me time and space and I forget faults. Repeat faults and brat your way, and I don't forget, nor forgive; at this scenario, toxins are identified and ejected from my system.

Then we go back to to the first paragraph.

*Originally penned February 21, 2014

News, Math and Science Over Prayers

Please tell me how this prayer thing works. I've been turned off by non-stop prayer requests from the social media like it's gonna make a difference. Prayer doesn't do anything to you or anyone around you; what it does is it makes you believe that you are doing something, for yourself or for others.

And so I have only been sharing news articles, studies, scientific and mathematical facts on social media. Because if you ask me, I'll take news, math and science over prayers any day.

* * *

I hated math, if its expressed in an abstract form that wouldn't benefit me in the practical, real world -- like numbers and letters combined; I can't solve it. Put it in a form of money, of days, of time, then I'll get a better grasp of it. I function better if given a context. This problem must be solved because that's the only way I can determine if the salary I earned will be able to pay for all my expenses, or if the rate I'm doing this thing is enough for me to finish it by Friday morning.

* * *

I tried praying in a especially difficult exam back in college, but it didn't help. Sure I was studying, trying to solve the equations, then by the end of review time, I pray. When I retook the subject, I tried praying again. No luck. By the third time, I lost faith and decided to work my ass off solving the problems -- over and over again. Memorizing the formulas. Understanding mathematical concepts. Then I passed. No prayers involved.

I guess this is one of the reason my faith fell between 2004 and 2008. But the process wasn't easy. Just like finding faith, losing faith doesn't happen overnight. It involves a series of events that would transpire and make you question your values, logic, politics and the people around you.

Like how could this guy be so religious and yet is a retarded cheater who seemed not to uphold any values or moral code in their body? Or why do the archbishops get big-pimpin' cars from politicians? Why do priests and religious leaders endorse a candidate for public office? Why is the Philippine legislature a  helpless victim of the scriptures? Why can't I find REAL separation of church and State? Why are 'celibate' priests meddling with people's sex lives, if they chose to be chaste, why force everyone else to be chaste as well? Fuck, it's not like we're forcing them to fornicate. Why is the Vatican so god-damned wealthy? Why are our holidays all after Catholicism? Isn't it a form of discrimination? If I were in Buddhist/ Jew/ Hindu/ Pagan's shoes, wouldn't I be offended or confused why are we always saying "the Philippines is a Catholic country"? Why are wars fought in the name of religion? Why are religious groups tax-exempt? When I get really broke, should I start a religion to cash in on 'offerings' and tithes? Could it be that Jesus and the disciples are just stoned when they were saying Jesus walked on water, or the Israelites were high as fuck as well when they said manna fell from heaven? If I'm an all-powerful being, would I waste my time taking note of sins committed and listening to people whine about their stupid choices? Why are the LGBTs being discriminated when it clearly said "Love thy neighbor as thou love thyself"? Why is there too much hypocrisy, too much double standards? Why should I run my life based on one book, when there's millions others to be read?

There are even more questions that I asked. Though I don't real wanna bother you with it.

And this led me to some conclusions. 1) Faith does not equate with religion; 2) Having a moral compass is not directly proportional to practicing a religion; 3) Religions divide mankind; and 4) I can't find myself confined by ancient rules when the whole world is moving forward

So I became agnostic. But I realized that's just me being chicken in calling myself an atheist. I guess I'm an atheist. But I'd rather call it humanist. It was a bumpy set of years following 2008 with me out of faith, a little apathetic and stoic, searching -- researching on what I really am.

Until I discovered Buddhism, which is frankly, the only 'religion' which appealed to me. Though I'd rather call it philosophy. There is no immortal, omnipotent higher power in Buddhism, just a bunch of people deciding on their actions, how they live their life and following a path to enlightenment.

* * *

I hated math, but I love how with math, there is always a method to verify if something is correct. I love science and how we can test hypothesis until we come up with a conclusion. Only Buddhism encouraged that, you don't just follow dogma, you are given a deeper understanding, not spoonfeeding; you are taught Newton's law: For every action, there is equal and opposite reaction -- Karma.

I don't apologize if my choice to be logical and rational is not in congruence with anyone else's. I don't pray, I'd rather read the facts.

“Buddhism has the characteristics of what would be expected in a cosmic religion for the future:
It transcends a personal God, avoids dogmas and theology;
it covers both the natural and spiritual; and it is based on a religious sense
aspiring from the experience of all things, natural and spiritual, as a meaningful unity."

“If there is any religion that would cope with modern scientific needs it would be Buddhism."

- Albert Einstein

RH, again.

I am a woman who support RH. Reproductive health. I want a healthy uterus and cervix that will produce a smart and critical little Filipino. I don't want to die during childbirth because I want to be there to raise my child/children. I also want to enjoy intimacy with my husband without having to worry if doing so will mean we'll settle for less than our ideal lifestyle. I don't want to have lots of kids to take care of that I'll end up ignoring my husband and he'll start womanizing because I don't have time to spend with him. I want to have a choice as to how to live my life, conceive, rear and raise my family. We are practicing natural family planning because it works for us and I've been given proper education and have access to a doctor who gave us information on what would be safest for us since I already had a miscarriage. But I know some people don't have access to information or a doctor and I think that is unfair. I say give them access to information and contraception and see our country breed smarter, healthier and more aware citizens.

On Kristel's death

While I lament and condole with Kristel's family, I must say I agree with this. Kids these days are getting things the easy way, everything is instant, a download away, a click away. They are too sheltered.

While my advocacy for analogue might look like a hopeless hipster cause for some, I am doing this to remind myself that some things are worth the wait (e.g. to have your films processed and developed; to wait for the needle to finish one track; to read an entire book before watching an easy 1 hour and a half movie).

It would be sacrilege to compare what I've gone through in college to what Kristel did.

I had the same problems, maybe; I'm not even aware of all the other problems they had. I had to ask the Vice Chancellor for Academic Affairs for promissory note to extend payment due date for me, I had it hard. I was paying only PhP200 per unit then, roughly 5-8k per semester dependent on the number of units, lab, etc. I am not the eldest, I was the youngest and with it came the pressure of ensuring that my parents, who are both senior citizens that time and living on their pensions, wouldn't need to provide for me anymore, and in turn, I will provide for them. My mom had to pawn the priciest set of jewelry she owned; my dad had to go to loan sharks and use his pension as collateral to come up with tuition money for me; my brother had to get bank loans to support us, as he is already married then, supporting his growing family and me, my dad and my mom on the side.

Instead of thinking of the shame I'll probably go through if I stopped studying due to lack of finances, I capitalized on wits and worked harder. I worked as a student assistant to earn extra money; a registration assistant to be able to organize my load so I can fit Student Assistant hours into my class schedule; I blogged and looked for paid ads/sponsored posts that would pay for me to write (which paid for most of my thesis expenses); I always had packed lunch and merienda so I don't spend money at the school canteen or the mall for lunch; I worked for the editorial board of the college yearbook so I get to get a graduation photo and yearbook package for free (it costs around 7k) and for the yearbook and studio packages to treat us for free dinners; I walked about a kilometer going home just so I can save 7 pesos on my fare; and I don't go out with my friends on weekends because I don't have money to buy fastfood or go shopping.

I was raised by parents who instilled that hardwork, is just as important as education. I wasn't raised a spoiled brat who'd go asking my dad to give me money and buy me clothes, bags, shoes or whatnot. I know that their obligation to me is to feed me, provide a roof above my head and send me to school, it ends there. All the rest are just wants that can be set aside for now, things that I can all acquire and enjoy once I am employed.

I could've committed suicide, if I was the instant-solution type of kid, I would've. But instead, I thought, if I die, who'd pay for the coffin, the cemetery lot and all the costs of decently burying someone? If I die, who would take care of my parents and provide for them when they get really old? I can solve my petty problems of having a hard life, but it would cause a greater problem of an even harder life for my family, specifically my parents who'd already worked so hard only to find all their investments on me turn into smoke if I committed suicide.

To Parents: I know you'd want to give everything and anything to your children, especially if you've already had it hard. Don't love your kids so much that they become too soft, but don't leave them without support and ignore them that they become too hard. Stress to them the importance of patience, perseverance, self-worth and of life. Teach them that it's better to start from the bottom and work your way to the top.

[edit] I wrote this without the intent of comparing what I've gone through with what she did. I am simply writing down how things happened to me and how they turned out. I have had a 'suicide phase' as well. Between highschool and college, my reason if ever was life is unfair, because our family was really having a hard time then, I won't even wanna start with how our family ended up like that.

Suicide rates are increasing, coming from a supposed 'optimistic' and 'happy' country, this is really a big deal. I am not blaming her, nor her parents. It is still UP that I find most accountable for the tragedy, as education is a basic right, and there seems to be a massive bourgeoisie takeover in the UP admin and UP system. But, parents can do something to avoid something like this from happening again; that there are values that parents can train their kids with to make them stronger, more resilient. What I'm trying to say is that the family, the school and the society should all work together so things like this don't happen again. Pete knows the lengths that her parents went through to ensure she still makes it to this sem, or the amount of stress and pressure she's getting from whatever family problems they have. But that doesn't mean we have to accept it. Yes, we ask UP for reforms, for a TOFI rollback, for STFAP rebracketing; but we should also teach the kids the value of hardwork, and remind the parents of this. [/edit]

PS. On a lighter note, it is also the reason why I can color my own hair, cut my own hair, curl my own hair, do my own nails and do my own make up; because I don't have money to go to the parlor to avail all of these. Plus I stayed skinny, since I was on a perpetual diet.

"Bah! Humbug!"

The end of the year hasn't been very good, and I'm not in the festive mood.

I've started nurturing a philosophy in 2012. Basically it is summarized as Eliminate Materialism; Counterculture. But since I'm incrementally embracing the philosophy and lifestyle, my former paradigm is being shaken, got me torn on which path to take - which seemed to be transpiring one after another. I'm in the process of taking risks; in the many facets of my life. All the limbo feeling has got me edgy. I don't know what will happen next. The philosophy is the only reason the waves haven't had me going ballistic yet.

All this apathy... and getting pissed off. You know how they say never underestimate someone's feelings? I could use some of that right now. No one knows how's anyone has suffered really. Some people hide it better than others. When that happen to other people, I just leave them alone and don't bombard them with accusations. I don't tell them they're fucked up and that they're overreacting. I just let them be and sort their shit out (though sorting your shit out publicly - eherm... in facebook, all details included - is a different thing; by doing so you are making your shit available for public consumption; thus undersolicited advice and ridicule).

I have something to say. Though I chose not to tell anyone of you. I'd rather shut up and be stoic about it. I don't need anyone to listen and empathize either, I know I alone can figure it out, resolve it. I won't give you details or hints. I don't need to apologize if I don't feel like celebrating like the rest of you. So yeah! Bah! Humbug to you.

Hello there, December

It's the last month of the year. 2012 was a crazy year. Ups and downs, flips, peaks, valleys and plateaus. The year is ending, let's wish for enough.

Three

I've been monitoring a lump in my left breast for roughly 4 years now. Every 6 months or so, I got get a breast ultrasound procedure to check changes and additional growths, if ever. I felt my first lump around 2008, it is in the 8 o'clock position of my left breast.

I had an ultrasound and mammogram last 23rd of October in the Medicard Lifestyle Center in Paseo de Roxas Makati after seeing my Facebook feed with THIS.

Anywho, I just got the results today because I am a lazy sloth when it comes to going out of the house.

The mammogram said that I had extremely dense breast parenchymae. That translates to my breasts are made up of useful tissues, glands and muscles and not useless fats, but it also mean that I have higher risk of breast cancer. Yes, apparently, non-saggy breasts = cancer risk. I can  look so pretty in dresses but I might be really rotting inside (forgive my morbid sense of humor, I'm not scared, I just find the irony in things hilarious).

There are now two lumps, another was found in the 9 o'clock position of my left breast. The mammogram did not spot this, the ultrasound did. The lumps are benign though, the ultrasound suggests.

Now let me lecture you about the BIRADS system. BI-RADS = breast imaging reporting and data system. The BIRADS system is rated from 0-6 and I was classified as tier 3 in it, and that means:

Category 3. Probably Benign

With BI-RADS category 3, a follow-up of 6 months is usually recommended. On the breast cancer screening mammogram there may be a finding of some kind, but the lesion is non-palpable. Findings typical of this category include:Clusters of tiny calcifications if round or oval Non-calcified solid nodules (no size limitation but non palpable), round, ovoid, well-defined,Selected focal asymmetric areas of fibroglandular density (not palpable): This might include concave-outward defined margins, interspersed with fat and without central increased fibular density on two projections.Miscellaneous focal findings, such as a dilated duct, or post biopsy architectural distortion without central densityGeneralized distribution in both breasts. For example, multiple similar lesions with tiny calcifications or nodules distributed randomly In some scenerios a percutaneous biopsy might be considered,even with category 3. For example, extreme patient anxiety, or plans for pregnancy, plans for breast augmentation or reduction surgery, or if synchronous carcinoma is present.

http://www.breast-cancer.ca/screening/bi-rads.htm   

So yeah, I'm in the midscale. One tier higher and the next will suggest suspicious finding, for biopsy, malignancy considered. Two tiers and it's cancer.

Some of you might send out prayers and messages of hope with this news, allow me to stop you from doing so. I am not scared of it. I am not dying. I am just aware.

It's good that I take precautionary check ups like this. It's weird to hear women my age who are surprised to know that I've been getting routine procedures for female health concerns since I was 21. I am glad I've been exposed to shit like this earlier than the rest, while this might scare the hell out of some people, I'm informed way earlier than them. Awareness and education makes me feel empowered. Visit an OB GYN or any medical practitioner (if you are feeling discomfort and/or having problems in other areas of your health) you can get your hands on.

I hope other women will do the same too. YES TO RH BILL.Women need to take care of their bodies.

Leggo, girls.

Click photo to enlarge

Source: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151195192869697&set=a.295333724696.142183.249537589696&type=1&theater

Pampatapang

Namatayan ako ng kapatid, nabuntis ako, nagulo ng konte ang plano ko, nawalan ako ng anak, nagulo muli plano ko, nadepress ako, nakaranas na halos mabaliw at muntik magpakamatay sa naging problema (di ko na babanggitin kung ano, tapos na yun), may mga pamangkin akong sinusuportahan (katuwang ang magulang at natira kong mg kapatid) ng pinansyal ng hindi ko ginusto. Wala akong pinagdaanan. Tuloy ko kasi pang pinagdadaanan. Yun lang. Salamat. :-)

Isinulat ko ito bilang sagot sa isang kumento na nakapagpa-pantig sa aking tenga. Pinagdaanan. Na tila hindi ko alam ang pakiramdam nun o hindi ko naiintindihan ang konsepto nun.

Una sa lahat, sa edad kong bente-singko, mas marami na akong pinagdaanan kesa nakakarami... at tuloy ko pang pinagdadaanan lahat yun.

Lumaki ako sa bahay kung saan pareho ng aking magulang ay hindi na nagta-trabaho, na iniraraos ang pang-araw-araw naming gastos sa pamamagitan ng isang maliit na negosyo. Nakatapos ako sa private school hindi dahil may pera kami ngunit dahil marunong tumupad sa pangako ang nanay ko. Promisory note. Kung kaya pinagbutihan ko ang pag-aaral ko, hindi sa pag-aangat ng bangko, pero pinilit kong maging magaling at nagpaka-talino dahil ang bilin ng nanay ko "Edukasyon lang ang pamanang maibibigay namin". Cliche pero totoo. Lagi nyang sinasabi sa'kin tuwing magrereklamo ako na nahihirapan na ako mag-aral lalo na ng Math sa UP, "Kung mahirap mag-aral, mas mahirap ang di nakapag-aral."

Lumaki ako sa isang magulong tahananan dahil sa kapatid ko na tila naghahanap ng problema at kung walang mahanap, ay syang gumagawa nito. Pampa-adrenaline nya siguro. May mga panahon na kinakailangan kong magkulong sa kwarto at umiyak habang may struggle ang buong pamilya dahil sa problemang dinala nya. Nag-bisyo, nagloko, nakulong, nag-bisyo, nakulong muli. Nangutang ng pam-pyansa. Namatay, nagiwan ng mga ulila at asawa, naghanap ng iba ang asawa at nang makahanap ng iba sa katwiran na kelangan ng katuwang, lalong naghirap at naiwan ang mga ulilang anak sa amin. Sa edad kong bente-tres, meron akong pinapaaral ng kolehiyo. Bente-singko, kolehiyo at highschool. Maging magulang sa ganung edad, i-try nyo nga.

Nakaranas na akong lokohin ng lalake at ipagpalit sa kung sinong putang dancer na walang pinag-aralan. Nakakababa ng self-esteem yon. UP graduate ako tapos ipagpapalit ako sa isang dancer na mas manipis pa sa onion paper ang bokabularyo. Umiiyak ako sa gabi hanggang magmadaling araw. Tulala ako habang naglalakad.

Sabi ko mag-aaral pa ako, pero sa gitna ng pagpa-plano ng pagbabalik sa eskwela at mag-masters na, nabuntis ako. Nagulo ang mga plano. Naiba ang pokus ng buhay ko. Gusto ko na lang bigyan ng magandang buhay yung nasa sinapupunan ko. Wag na ako mag-aral ng post-grad whatever shit. Magiipon na lang ako ng pera at magta trabaho ng malupit para yung anak ko makakapag-masters, PhD, LLB, MBA, kahit ano, kung gusto nya.

Ilang buwan sa pagbubuntis ko, nalaman ko na wala na pala yung bata, wala nang tibok ng puso. Nakunan ako. Dinala sa ospital para ma-raspa. Sa gitna ng procedure na D&C. Natutunan ko ang takot ng mga nanay sa panganganak, bagamat patay na sanggol na katumbas lamang ng dalawang kutsarang dugo ang kinayod mula sa matres ko ang lumabas. Ang daming aparato na nakakabit sa'kin. Isine-sedate ako para matulog, pero nilalabanan ko dahil pakiramdam ko, pag natulog ako mamamatay ako dahil naririnig ko ang pagtunog ng lifeline ko. Nagpa-flatlline ako tuwing makakaramdam ng antok. Nagulo muli ang plano, di ko alam kung maituturing na post-partum depression yun pero, na lungkot ako. Yung lungkot na nanunuot sa buto. Yung tipo na maiiyak ka na lang sa gabi, luluha pag may commercial na pang-bata, pag may nakikita kang pamilyang magkakasama.

Nagdaan kami ng asawa ko sa isang problema na halos pumatay sakin, napakaaga sa aming relasyon. Umabot sa gusto ko nang mamatay dahil kung hindi, mababaliw ako. Ayoko nang ibigay ang lahat ng detalye, pero ganung ka-saklap. Tatlong kaibigan lang ang nasabihan ko sa problemang iyon. Sa kanila ako humihingi ng tulong at sumasandal, sila ang pumigil sakin na wakasan ang lahat.

***

Siguro me sa demonyo nga ako. Mas may tiwala kasi ako sa scientist kesa sa pari. Nakakakita ako ng mga butas sa katwiran ng mga pari sa sermon nila sa misa, pero hindi ko china-challenge ang napatunayan na ng agham. Alam ko din may limitasyon ang lahat ng bagay, merong posible at imposible. Walang point na idasal na mabuhay ang taong alam mo mamamatay na. Siguro sadista ang tingin nyo sa'kin. Pero sa totoo lang, mas pinapahirap nyo ang mga bagay sa ganyan. Sabi ng tatay ko, "May mga bagay na talagang mangyayari. Tulad ng kamatayan". Nagustuhan ko yun, dahil nung sinabi kong buntis ako at magpapakasal kami ng asawa ko noon sa edad kong bente-dos, hindi sya nagalit, tinanggap nya lang. Mangyayari at mangyayari kahit anong pigil mo, kahit anong dasal mo na hindi mangyari.

Hindi ako nagdasal sa gitna ng lahat na yun.

Tuwing may mahihirap na pagsusulit (Math), sinasabi ng nanay ko ipagdadasal nya ako. Hindi naman kasi ako naniniwala, kaya ako nag-aaral lang lahat ng makakaya ko. Mas maganda para sakin yung aksyon kesa pagdarasal.

Nung nagkakagulo na sa bahay dahil sa kuya ko, hindi ako nagdadasal, sa gitna ng pag-iyak ko, ang iniisip ko lang kung anong magagawa ko para mabago ang kalagayan namin, na mag-aaral ako ng mabuti para makatapos agad at makaranas ng maginhawang buhay ang magulang ko dahil pinahirapan sila ng kuya ko.

Nung bigla kaming nagkaroon ng pag-aaralin sa kolehiyo at highschool nang mamatay ang kapatid ko, hindi ko inisip na magiging okay ang mga bagay dahil magpo-provide ang Dios, si Allah, si Shiva, kungsinuman. Ang sinabi ko lang sa mga pamangkin ko, magtipid kayo at maga-aral ng mabuti at nag-trabaho lang ako. Tuloy-tuloy.

Nung lokohin ako ng lalaki, hindi ako nagdasal para bumalik sya sa'kin o tamaan sya ng kidlat. Nagsulat ako ng nagsulat. Inilabas ko ang sama ng loob ko at pinagisipan kung bakit nagkaganun... at natuto ako. Para hindi na maulit yun.

Nang mabuntis ako, di ko inisip na tutulungan kami ng Panginoon para malagpasan yun. Ang pagtingin ko, ginawa namin yun at kelangan naming maging responsable sa ginawa namin. Magtatrabaho kami para may kainin kami. Hindi kami magdarasal for our daily bread.

Nung nawala ang baby namin, nalungkot ako. Pero inisip ko na malamang nagkaganun dahil sa hindi tip-top-shape ang katawan ko. Na hindi natuloy ang anak namin hindi dahil sa yung ang gusto ni Bathala, kundi dahil sa estado ng kalusugan ko. Na kelangan kong maging mas malakas para makapagluwal ng malusog na bata.

Nung nagka-problema kami ng asawa ko, di pa din ako nagdasal. Inisip ko kung ano ang makakapag-ayos sa mga nangyari. Nung una, gusto ko mamatay kasi unang beses kaming nagkaproblema ng ganung kalaki. Pero nang naayos na namin, tumapang lang ako, tumatag. Natuto muli.

Di ko kelangan ng liwanag mula sa langit o di nakikitang kalapati para tumapang... O magdesisyon na maging matatag. 

Ang pagiging matatag at matapang ay isang conscious na desisyon. Tinanggal ko ang nauna kong sinulat na talata dahil hindi naintindihan ng marami ang ibig kong sabihin. Isinulat ko yun bilang isang pagyayabang -- madami akong pinagdaanan at tuloy na pinagdadaanan. Hindi ako humihingi ng tulong. Hindi ko kelangan magdasal para maging okay  Hindi ko rin po kelangan ang pagdarasal nyo dahil hindi ako naniniwala dun.

Ang pinaniniwalaan ko ay nag-iisip ang tao, may kapasidad na matuto sa pinagdadaanan, sa bawat pagkakamali, at mula sa mga natutunan, dun sya tatatag. Pampatapang. Mas marami akong natutunang prinsipyo sa Fight Club at 1984 kesa sa mga misang dinaluhan ko nung nasa Catholic School pa ako.

Grow Up (that's a command)

You know how in school there were bullies, the ones who get your lunchbox or steal your lunch money?

I was on the balancing beam. I had friends from the popular clique and had friends who are not the "IT" people. Highschool was that. I survived on wits and finding equilibrium.

I was able to get into a prestigious university for college. I thought all the cliques and bullying was finally over. In the university I went to, people only cared for themselves. It is survival of the fittest minus the backstabbing. It was a university that regarded intellectual honesty as one of its core values. People (mostly) were honestly fighting their way through undergrad (though some may have used tears, connections, etc. to get their way). There were rich kids, poor kids, frat boys, sorority girls; there were parking lot fights, misunderstandings and debates on ideology, principles, and sometimes, their favorite actors. But during the course of my stay in that university. I don't think I've witnessed the classic bullying we all know of.

And so, I faced the real world and stepped into the corporate scene brave to know that all those "Highschool never ends" and bullying shit happen only in the movies, or books; and that people in the real world of adults are mature enough, if not professional enough, to act in accordance to decorum.

But it's not. With the dawn of the social-network-TMI-lifestyle, this became worse. Covert bullying and explicit alienation.

Often I witness this and take the moral high ground by ignoring them. If it's too rampant and is affecting my mood on a day-to-day basis, I unsubscribe/unfollow/unfriend. Sometimes, if it irritates me too much already, or I felt provoked, I tend to play fire with fire.

But to the people who does this on a daily basis. What do you get out of it? A false sense of superiority? Delusion of grandeurs and megalomania, does it make you feel better?

But really, when you think about it, when you dissect the core. Why would you care so much about other people? Much so, the people are not celebrities who have decided to put their lives on the open and public scrutiny to be talked about? What will you get out of it? If it causes you pain, ignore it, otherwise, you're just making the flame so much stronger; and extinguishing the hate in your gut will be so much more difficult.

For me, it illustrates an underlying insecurity. People who are never happy with themselves and their lives – they have nothing better to talk about and nothing better to do. No tales nor anecdotes to share with friends and other people in general; and in effect, you talk about other people. Idle hands are the devil's playground -- a phrase I learned early in grade school after watching that Devon Sawa film. If people are busy and living lives interesting enough, they'd share about their experiences; and not dwell on envy and hate for others.

Grow up. Stop thinking that the world spins around you. If you do that, you'll start minding your own business and just let other people be, too.

My husband is a Civil Engineer

... and yet I am the one in charge of the kitchen renovation. After all, it is gonna be my kitchen. Where I'll cook and stuff. So right now, I'm the appointed pseudo-architect. Anywhoo... my husband did all the measurements and scaling and what not, but the design... that's me, and the idea where to use slide doors, drawers and hinge doors, that's me too. Here's the draft design:

Click photo to enlarge

3D version, click to enlarge

Don't diss, I'm no Autocad expert. I just did this with all the passion I have for arts and design and whatever-you-may-call my tendency to be visual about things.The bottom part is still TBA because I want to buy the plate wire basket fixture in Ace hardware first because the measurement of the drawers and whatever will be dependent on the size of the fixture.

I've done window shopping on the materials for this kitchen renovation project and I have a vague sense of what I want in terms of 'the look' that I'm trying to achieve with the kitchen. We already have the person who'll do it booked, he's just waiting for this design.

I hope it'll be a success. Having a really functional kitchen has been my frustration since when my parents designed our kitchen, it was 20 years ago and 'fixtures' aren't really the in thing yet. So really I hope this works.

And for the record, this isn't the hobby I've been talking about in the previous post.

Here are tips to make a small kitchen work, if anyone else is doing kitchen renovations right now like me.