Dream

Today, I woke up amidst a dream that takes me 7 to 10 years back. I felt like my college self, waking up to a sweet dream full of hopes for the future, and upon waking up, deciding to stay in bed and imagine how the rest of the dream ought to end for hours.

Then I realize that my dreams were not reality. The future then is now present. And it is different from how I envisioned it then.

Fuhrer

Today, after spending a suffocating fortnight at home, Mike and I decided that I can go out. I can sit, stand and walk small distances without hurting so much, and we did not want to waste the cinema tickets for The Amazing Spider-Man 2.

Getting in and out of the car was a chore, I felt like an old lady having to hold the grab handle and positioning my legs awkwardly so I don't suddenly twist and strain my waist. Walking was painfully slow, with the pace I was in, an ant or a turtle could probably outwalk me. Standing for long periods of time waiting for the e-plus woman to give us our ticket was tormenting.

You held my back getting out of the car; you found the nearest available parking slot to the mall entrance; you held my arm as I walk in a pace slower than that old lady (that you jokingly said I should ask to race); you carried my bag (despite our staunch advocacy as a couple that women who carry around tons of shit inside their purses should be able to carry their own purses and not emasculate their boyfriends/husbands with stupid rhinestoned, sparkly, pink purses); you stopped each time I said that things are starting to get painful; you were very protective of me, reminding me to be extra careful as people might accidentally bump me even how careful we try to be; you bought me my favorite subway sandwich; you treated me to frozen yogurt so I can sit peacefully in the kiosk while you queued and paid the bills in the bank; you made me stand in the mall entrance so I don't have to walk again to the car and you picked me up, valet-style.

I'm very happy coming home -- despite all the tragedies that found its way in our usually action-comedy life -- that you are with me, holding my hand. I'm gonna throw in the waterworks as well when I say that today I realized that you meant what you said that first day of March, two years ago and eighteenth of December, four years ago. The grammar nazi in me couldn't help but notice the mispronunciation of the word poorer into foorer, and it always brings Adolf Hitler into the mix; for I was a Nazi and you unconsciously just said fuhrer (Fuhrer in German means leader which was what they called Hitler). You occasionally have those inevitable p-f and b-v deficiency; after all, you are a civil engineer, not a call center agent.

But I remember how you said to me twice as a couple, that you'll be with me "for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health". I just realized that we are a walking proof of those vows and for that I'm very thankful for you. Prior to our wedding, we had an engagement shoot, we chose Mr & Mrs. Smith as the theme because we love action movies, we love Brangelina and we know that love is NEVER a walk in the beach, a stroll in the park, nor a picnic made in heaven; love is battlefield and we'll wear our battle scars proudly with every war we face together.

I'll marry you a thousand times over if our lives permit it, even if it means that we end up like Ellie and Carl. Just the two of us, holding hands.

Losing Again

I'm a control freak. I like to plan.

"As he made his morning coffee, Tengo found himself silently wishing that this peaceful time could go on forever. If he said it aloud, some keen-eared demon somewhere might overhear him. And so he kept his wish for continued tranquility to himself. But things never go the way you want them to, and this was no exception. The world seemed to have a better sense of how you wanted things not to go."*

Things NEVER go the way you want them to go. The universe have always had a perverse sense of humor. I've said this since I was in college. Even how carefully and studiously you plan, something happens that just shakes your world and wakes you up, as if to say, you cannot have it so easy. You can't have a perfect life. It does not matter if you work your ass off to accomplish a plan, to reach a goal, to attain a dream. Something's bound to mess up.

I had an ectopic pregnancy which had to be removed after rupturing last week. If I don't have it removed, I might die. I also had a miscarriage 5 years ago. One of the friends who I informed of this told me that there's nothing I can't face anymore, no burden will be too heavy.

Maybe I've gone through all this and maybe I should wear my battle scars proudly, but things just make me wonder. Why can't I have it my way? Some faithful, religious, bordering-fanatic people might say that I should just put everything in some higher power's hand, that we are mere people and we cannot control anything, that what we need will be handed and what we don't will be taken from us inevitably. I have not subscribed to such doctrine. I have offended so many with my beliefs I am aware, but I just can't get myself to believe any of it.

“If a certain belief—call it ‘Belief A’—makes the life of that man or this woman appear to be something of deep meaning, then for them Belief A is the truth. If Belief B makes their lives appear to be powerless and puny, then Belief B turns out to be a falsehood. The distinction is quite clear. If someone insists that Belief B is the truth, people will probably hate him, ignore him, or, in some cases, attack him. It means nothing to them that Belief B might be logical or provable. Most people barely manage to preserve their sanity by denying and rejecting images of themselves as powerless and puny.” *

I'd rather be powerless and puny in certain periods of my life, in certain aspects. Let me lose my mind a bit. But I don't wanna give up and just let some invisible force work its way into my life. I've seen lots whose lives did not get any better after surrendering their lives into some higher power. I saw then falter and finally fall, get buried, forgotten. I won't take that. I'd rather take control. What I believe in is human's power to think, to analyze, to understand, to adapt, to learn.

One of the best messages I received was from a schoolmate back in grade school, we were not even friends then, she was a year younger, all I remember is we always end up at the top of the class and we attend the recognition rites together. As we grew older I saw how our principles coincide, and that's how I felt that we built a friendship deeper than I usually have, despite the distance, despite the differences.

"I don't pray, I don't think I have the words that can provide comfort, you don't deserve any advice from me because I have not known the pain of loss and the hardship of losing control over different aspects of your life at  the same time. But please don't deny yourself of coping as a human being, write, even curse or scream, cry all day, if you have to. Don't deny yourself of the humanity in feeling helpless, of hurting, of questioning, of being vulnerable to the things we cannot explain. You will be in my thoughts and I will hold good intentions for your recovery, from both emotional and physical pain. Breathe, live one breath at a time."

What she wrote is not the cliched "be strong". She understood that more than being strong, I need to cope, to feel vulnerable, to feel the pain, to release the anger, to question everything I believed and did not believe in -- to feel human. After this, then I can go through the waves, then I can get back on track, put fresh grease and get the gears running.

Yes, I might be in limbo, in denial. I don't want to talk to anyone about what happened. That one composition I wrote would be enough to get my message through, to inform people of the gist. This is is me in my weakest, I haven't quite taken control yet. I'm still lost. What has happened to me got me thinking, of my capacity to bear a child, my fertility. What might not be my sole purpose but my husband's expectations of me -- sure he's been supportive, taking all the emotional baggage, carrying the psychological toll and accepting all the financial blows that this brought -- all that's happened might bring him to the edge. He loves me, I know. He brought me to the doctor, the hospital, bought my meds, skipped work, made ends meet, fed me, held my hand, my arm -- in my weakest, my helplessness. He waited, I just hope he does not get tired. He's always been a patient man; cool, reserved, logical. Characteristics that I like so much -- characteristics that I need to regain. But I need to break out first, to eject the toxins. I haven't quite done that yet.

I'll write, I'll read, I'll introspect, I'll create until I climb out of this hill of unwavering emotions. I'll translate all the vulnerability, all the nakedness into something else, until I'm back to my fighting form. I will learn and I will take the world with a bigger worldview. I might get a little more somber after this, but not surrendering, not losing control but taking control

*Excerpt from Haruki Murakami's novel 1Q84.

Rash Story

Dear Phoebe*, 

Yesterday, at the St. Luke's ER "decontamination chamber" I was alone with a guy who also had the "rashes". He came in earlier than me. We were both measles / dengue candidates. He was sitting across me in the room. He had a Herschel backpack. He was wearing a white shirt with what looks like lomo-shots of a surfing community, raggedy straight cut jeans and what seemed like Pumas. He was on his iPhone. He looked at me with a weird stare when I started humming Lorde's A World Alone. He was also reading a Gabriel Garcia Marquez book. When he opened his backpack, a Murakami paperback spilled. He laughed when I tried moving a few minutes after the anti-histamine shot and blurted out loud "Shet, nakakahilo pala yun". We both wore masks (because we're contagious) so I wasn't able to see his entire face but he had an aquiline nose (well at least based on the nose bridge that shows above the face mask). Also, his eyes were light brown and a little bloodshot.

His last name was Solis. That's all I have, doctors called us with our last names only. The doctor asked him if he was from the south; a province from the south -- to which he replied, "yes, Iligan".

I'm so sorry if these are the only details I have, I was groggy as fuck after that anti-histamine shot and was sedated afterwards. I hope you can find him. We were both diagnosed negative of measles and dengue. He had viral infection and with quite low WBC. We were both advised for return check up with an Internal Medicine doc after 2 - 3 days. Maybe you can hangout by St. Luke's around those days?

I just knew I found the boy for you.

Love,

Nay-Yea*

*Names were changed for reasons unknown.

Apat

Apat
Na taong tayong
Nakabuklod,
Aking kabiyak.

Saya,
Lungkot at pighati;
Ikaw lamang
Ang kasama.

Hindi
Susuko, o iiwan
Mananatili sa
Iyong tabi.

Pagibig
Ay hindi tanikala.
Dakila, nagpapalaya
Sa iyong piling.

Mahal
Ang umibig ay
Lumaban; di puros
Kasiyahan

Sagana
Man o sa kagipitan
Walang aasahan kundi
Isa't isa.

Umasa
Na hindi magbabago,
magiging tapat tayong
Dalawa

Nandiyan
Sa iyong tabi sakaling
kailangan ng
Sandalan.

Aasahan
Ika'y gayon din
Maging sa ating huling
Hantungan.

MNLSINJBSINMNL

Sikreto

May gusto akong itanong sa'yo... anong nangyari? Ang saya natin nuon. Ang kyut natin. Akala nila, tayo, o kung hindi man, magiging tayo in time. Ok ka naman, mga kartada ocho yung buong pagkatao mo.

Hinihintay kita nuon. Bilang babae, sabi ko, may hangganan ang kaya kong gawin, yung iba ikaw na dapat ang kumilos. Kaso, ang bagal mo, o baka, hindi mo naman talaga ako gusto. E hindi ko alam pero nagmamadali ako nuon. Bumagsak tuloy ako sa gago. Iniyakan pa kita nung nagkahiwalay kami. Nakinig ka, nagbigay ng payo. Pero sa gitna ng pag-iyak ko, iniisip ko noon, ikaw kasi... kung me ginawa ka agad, edi hindi ka naunahan, edi sana di kita tinatawagan para umiyak. Edi sana masaya tayong dalawa.

Pero kung naging tayo, magiging kami kaya. Kami na ngayon, mahal na mahal ko sya. Sobrang saya ko sa kanya. Lumamang lang sya sayo ng bahagya sa muka, sa tikas ng katawan at sa kakayahang magpasensya sa'kin.. Pero aaminin ko, lamang ka talaga sa talino.

Wag mong isipin na mahal kita. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung minahal kita nuon o kinilig lang ako kasi ikaw lang ang lalaki (na pwede) na kilala ko, o kung nagustuhan mo man lang din ba ako o guni-guni lang yun ng birhen na utak ko. Pero hanggang ngayon, iniisip ko kung ano kaya kung nagpadala ako at nagbigay ng motibo, e lagi na naman kitang kasama nuon. Sumo-solo-time tayo. Maraming pwedeng mangyari kung gago talaga tayo. Pero napahanga mo din ako, kasi sa kabila ng dami ng pagkakataon na magkasama tayong dalawa lang, hindi ka nagsamantala. Ni-respeto mo ako, hanggang siko lang ang hawak mo pag tumatawid tayo sa malalapad na kalsada, at di maikakailang kinikilig ako sa mahigpit mong akbay pag sukob tayo sa payong.

Pero hanggang dun na lang talaga. Tuwing magkakausap tayo, gusto kong banggitin sayo, tanungin ka. Nagustuhan mo ba ako nuon? Kasi sinabi sakin ng kaibigan mo, gusto mo daw ako, ang verbatim nga "madly inlove". Konteng tulak na lang ba, aakapin mo na ako nung panahong inosenteng magkatabi tayo sa kama. Kund dumikit pa ng konte yung muka mo sa muka ko, hahalikan mo ba ako? O ako lang ang mejo patay na patay sa'yo?

Yun lang. Hindi ko mapigilan isipin kahit hanggang ngayon. Yung ano kaya kung ganun ang nangyari.

WIW 120908

This is me trying to lookbook-ify this blog. ;p This is What I Wore (WIW) yesterday for Kenji, Mike's god-son.

Dainty dressed-up (for less) Top &Skirt: Tiangge; Shoes: Moda
Marikina; Bag: SM Department Store; Bangles: Tiangge

Kenji, the half-German baby

PS. Doesn't he remind you of Pugsley and Pubert Addams?

Ringo is here

My first toycam is a La Sardina The Guvnor edition... and I named him... RINGO!

I bought Ringo from http://www.lomography.com/. The office that caters to the Philippines is the one in HK. I bought Ringo with Fritz the Blitz flash (in the pic below covered with the blue filter) and 4 colour flash filters, a 3-pack Lomography film and a Lomo Notebook with lomo-tips-n-tricks.

Here is Ringo with the little tripod I bought for him (got it from Saizen for PhP85 only) and the expired film (Centuria ISO 400 I got for cheap in Market Market). 

...and here he is hanging out in my office.

I'm uber-excited for our adventures. ILY Ringo.

Taking a Dump

I have had about a dozen real-life (as opposed to TV/movie) crushes and/or puppy loves and/or flings and/or date around and/or manliligaw before I ended up with my husband. None of them lasted for more than a year, so I never really thought they're big deals. Though I will remember why all of them didn't work (euphemism for I dumped them for some).

1. Talked shit.
2. Was a mainstream jock.
3. Too gangsta and was/is broke.
4. We were too young.
5. Poor dental hygiene.
6. Was a playah.
7. Too nice and too sweet,
8. LDRs don't work.
9. Too big/bulky.
10. Too religious, a liar, stupid and has bad music taste.
11. Was just after the nookie.
12. Liar.
13. Wearing dentures.

You who's reading this... Were you one of them? ;p 

So yeah, I've had that many losers before I ended up with my husband. Good thing I didn't end up with them. I think having to go through ALL that made me smarter when I finally came to my final decision. How about you?

Sardines, Filmpacks and Notebooks.

I did it. My new hobby. I've decided that shopping is not a very worthwhile hobby after all. I'm excited. I'm just sooo glad there were piggies and it's National Heroes Day, I got them for cheap.

Hobby

My husband has his 'specialty hobbies' and I for one, am envious.

I have never really had real hobbies apart from reading just about anything that I can get my hands on; and writing which I have been doing a lot less compared to say, 5 years ago. And to be honest, reading and writing is a tad boring compared to my husband's airsoft, online games and gym-ing.

I used to draw and paint and do other forms of visual art, but that stopped during college, too (Maybe I should get back to that when I have time. I have more money now than I ever had in highschool and college, so I think I should be able to finance my 'art' better now).

While planning our church wedding, my hobby was my DIY crafts - the beads, sewing, glue-gunning, ribbon/bow-tying, among others... which ended soon as the wedding was over.

So I'd say since March 2012, I don't have a 'special' hobby. Well, shopping doesn't really count.

But now, I have decided to start a hobby... one that is productive, worth sharing to others, and so I'm really hopeful that I'll excel in it. I have done my research on just about every aspect of it and I'm starry-eyed-eager to get started.

In the meantime, I need to do my first step. Which is to get/buy my materials.

Honey and the Moon

The boy and I celebrated our late honeymoon in Plantation Bay Cebu. Since we had our 'lavish' wedding March 1st - my birthday, we decided to do the pseudo-honeymoon on his birthday - July 22nd.

We booked the Spa Indulgence Package in Plantation Bay's Mogambo Springs. The rates in their website are updated. Here's the details of the package:

Zen-inspired room located inside Mogambo Springs' stunning 18th century Japanese village setting. Lose yourself in an immensely rejuvenating experience that is one of its kind. The new Mogambo emanates a magnificent sanctuary fit for an intimate lover's haven, capturing the essence of what a spa truly means. Go ahead. Spoil yourself and satisfy your hunger for that healing touch.

Bed Configuration : 1 queen bed Maximum Capacity : 2 adults. Children 17 years and below are not allowed. Not suitable for persons with disabilities. Extra Bed : Not applicable. Inclusions : Overnight stay at the Spa Indulgence Room Welcome leis and tropical drinks upon arrival Seaweed Salt Bath Aromatherapy Oil Massage for two persons Complimentary use of spa facilities Spa products as souvenirs

Mogambo springs is set like a Japanese village during the what-have-you-shogunate with bamboos and the pagodas - which are actually spa rooms.

You'll see me here amidst the japanese garden with bamboos, the bamboo bridge and the pagoda. NVM me.

We were greeted by PB staff in Mogambo with our welcome leis and drinks.

The rooms are very zen-ny with yellow lights all over and still jap-inspired with the lowered beds and tables and chairs.

They have lots of spa-zen-mode facilities, there are cold pools and hot pools. Here I am in the hot pool/jacuzzi with the extra cold water the spa attendants served without me having to prompt them and cucumbers in my eyes, while he is in the cold pool with waterfalls. It's quite fun to jump from cold to hot intermittently. 

They have a dry sauna and a steam room. I stayed inside the dry sauna but found myself parched after a few minutes, there is an hourglass inside the sauna which says the prescribed time I guess and to sort of track your time inside, I was only able to stay half of the time.

We had aromatherapy massage and the floral bath . We both had relaxing swedish massages.

Couples massage room and couples floral bath

There are lots of other activities you can do inside the resort village, there are lagoons - freshwater and saltwater, slides, floating restos, secret caves, jacuzzis, fountains and waterfalls. One can even do lots of other aquasports/ activities. We are just more into rest and relax and not so much adventure in this trip that we weren't able to do a lot.

Couple size jacuzzi

There are places to lounge surrounding the resort and there's the giant water slide and waterfalls in Mogambo Springs. There's a cliff-dive point as well in the saltwater lagoon where people can jump and dive into a 4-meter trench. One will never run our of things to do in Plantation Bay. 

There are tandem bikes, archery and firing range, a mini-playground, a botanical garden, a salon, a pool hall and gym as well if you want to do that.

They have shuttles (golf-cart type) that can take around the resort if you're too lazy to walk - which we never are. There are nightly themed parties where they serve buffet dinner, which we passed on because we opt to do spa-stuff.  So there. That was our stay in Plantation Bay. Definitely highly recommended for couples who want to escape.

Writing

I am writing something. I'd probably publish this here in my blog as the "About Us" section. Right now, it's still in the works.

Coron Love

Straight from the company's team building activity in Nasugbu, headed straight to the NAIA Terminal 3 to catch a morning flight to Busuanga. Upon landing in Coron, was picked up by our shuttle c/o DIY Coron, dropped off our bags at the Coron Village Lodge and immediately headed to the pier.

Our island tour went through the Siete Pecados - snorkeling site; Kayangan Lake - a lake amidst an islet; Twin Lagoon - 2 lagoons connected through a little hole in the island rocks; Skeleton Wreck - a Japanese-era sunken ship wreck; and Banol Beach - white sand beach with still indigent residents.

The Siete Pecados is a great snorkel site with lots of corals and fishes. We ate our packed lunch in the boat before snorkeling. I enjoyed my time going around the island and got too tired. I didn't notice that I lost an earring though - probably when I was adjusting my snorkel mask.

Then went to another island and hiked uphill towards the Kayangan Lake. There was a spot atop the hill where the view is nice, you can see the pituresque islets and sea in Coron - a staple photo op-spot and a little cave nearby too. The lake is my favorite part of Coron,30% Saltwater and 70% Freshwater; the lake is so cool and so clear. It was fun going around the lake with my flippers on.

Then went back our boat and headed to the Twin Lagoon. If to describe it technically, the Twin Lagoon looks like a Venn Diagram with a Set A and B, and the intersection between the two sets is small hole in the rocks that gets submerged in water if it high tide already.

We then went to the Skeleton wreck, there weren't mich pictures of it though because the ship wreck scares the crap out of me. It's a massive, sunken ship that's submerged in the middle of the sea. Only the tip of the ship can be seen through snorkel masks, but scuba divers can go deep into the rest of the sunken ship. I am scared of the ship because I feel like it is way to deep and that it can somehow suck me inside the sunken ship - which is crazy because those sort of stuff happens only in the movies.

Last stop was the Banol Beach, there weren't people in the beach when we went there. The sand was so white and so fine. Native tribes of Coron called Tagbanua - if I'm not mistaken owns the island where Banol Beach is at. According to our boatmen, the government granted the island to the Tagbanua tribe, not to be sold to anyone or any company. There was a little store managed by the Tagbanuans within the beach, price of chips and sodaa was 200% of its normal city price. Because it is a monopoly and you can understand since that island was way far from the commercialized part of Coron.

Our tour coordinator, Judith, provided us with suman and orange soda for merienda.

Took a trike back to our lodge, bathed, walked around a bit in the nearby spots, then ended the night with Sinigang na Baboy, Sizzling Tuna and rice for dinner. Pineapple juice for Mike and Strawberry Daquiri for me.

***

4AM wake up call, and traveled 1 and half hours to Salvacion, Busuanga - Mike and I rode a Toyota Revo driven by Kuya Danny Toledo. We had our breakfast in homey lodge and resto in Salvacion. From there, it took another 30 minutes to get to the small deck where the boats going to Calauit are docked. The boatride was another 15 minutes. Came into the entrance of the Calauit Safari and registered, had a 5-minute ride in the safari truck to the actual safari.

At the safari, we came face to face with giraffes, zebras, deers, crocodiles, procupines, musangs, wild boars, monkeys and turtles. Our tourguide was an old man, if I remember correctly, his name was Boy Cruz - probably between his 50s to 60s, upon asking him, we learned that he actually is a resident of Pateros - a small town next to Taguig. We fed the giraffes and had photo-ops with everything that we saw there. The wild boar part wasn't too enjoyable because he stunk. Good thing we came there at the morning, when the animals are roaming a lot across the land. The tourguide said that it is their feeding time and they're out grazing at that time. The later batch of visitors won't be as satisfied as us though since the animals hide before noontime.

The Calauit safari is an island of some 300,00 hectares which Pres. Ferdinand Marcos allocated funds with to make a safari within the Philippines. The animals came from Africa. As per the safari staff, after People Power of 1986, the Aquino Government stopped funding for the safari and even held the staff's wages. Since then, the government hasn't given enough funding to the safari despite the fact that it has the potential to become an ultimate tourist destination. Upon speaking with the Safari caretakers, the provincial government take long before giving them their salaries - up to 4 months, our driver further ellaborated that the safari staff even go through meetings only with coffee, so he always bring them pan de sal on Monday mornings when the meetings take place. I really hope that I can do something about it though, because the Calauit Safari is closest thing that the Philippines has to an African safari.

We went back to the lodge in Salvacion to have our lunch of Inihaw na Pusit and Tinolang Manok. We drove about 45 minutes to Concepcion Falls and an hour and half to the Maquinit Hotsprings. The hotspring temperature was measured at 38 - 40 degrees Celsius. Despite the hot and humid weather, we still stopped by.

Went back to the lodge which is around 15 minutes from the hotspring, slept for a bit, had dinner at Kawayanan Grill near the lodge - where the Banana shake is heavenly, had Fish Fillet and Ginataang Pague (stingray),

We walked to the town plaza, where they had a tennis court and watched a bit. Got too tired, walked to our lodge then finally slept.

***

Woke up early and drank Milo only then went to the public market which is roughly about 10 minutes by trike from our lodge to buy dried fish pasalubongs, then to Coron Harvest to buy kasuy. Took a bath, then had our last breakfast the Coron Village Lodge resto where they served longganisa, danggit, omelette and garlic rice. The lodge resto was so cool, the owner probably was a big traveler, they've got souvenirs from all over the world.

Our shuttle picked us up and brought us back to the airport. Then went back home to Manila.