Losing Again

I'm a control freak. I like to plan.

"As he made his morning coffee, Tengo found himself silently wishing that this peaceful time could go on forever. If he said it aloud, some keen-eared demon somewhere might overhear him. And so he kept his wish for continued tranquility to himself. But things never go the way you want them to, and this was no exception. The world seemed to have a better sense of how you wanted things not to go."*

Things NEVER go the way you want them to go. The universe have always had a perverse sense of humor. I've said this since I was in college. Even how carefully and studiously you plan, something happens that just shakes your world and wakes you up, as if to say, you cannot have it so easy. You can't have a perfect life. It does not matter if you work your ass off to accomplish a plan, to reach a goal, to attain a dream. Something's bound to mess up.

I had an ectopic pregnancy which had to be removed after rupturing last week. If I don't have it removed, I might die. I also had a miscarriage 5 years ago. One of the friends who I informed of this told me that there's nothing I can't face anymore, no burden will be too heavy.

Maybe I've gone through all this and maybe I should wear my battle scars proudly, but things just make me wonder. Why can't I have it my way? Some faithful, religious, bordering-fanatic people might say that I should just put everything in some higher power's hand, that we are mere people and we cannot control anything, that what we need will be handed and what we don't will be taken from us inevitably. I have not subscribed to such doctrine. I have offended so many with my beliefs I am aware, but I just can't get myself to believe any of it.

“If a certain belief—call it ‘Belief A’—makes the life of that man or this woman appear to be something of deep meaning, then for them Belief A is the truth. If Belief B makes their lives appear to be powerless and puny, then Belief B turns out to be a falsehood. The distinction is quite clear. If someone insists that Belief B is the truth, people will probably hate him, ignore him, or, in some cases, attack him. It means nothing to them that Belief B might be logical or provable. Most people barely manage to preserve their sanity by denying and rejecting images of themselves as powerless and puny.” *

I'd rather be powerless and puny in certain periods of my life, in certain aspects. Let me lose my mind a bit. But I don't wanna give up and just let some invisible force work its way into my life. I've seen lots whose lives did not get any better after surrendering their lives into some higher power. I saw then falter and finally fall, get buried, forgotten. I won't take that. I'd rather take control. What I believe in is human's power to think, to analyze, to understand, to adapt, to learn.

One of the best messages I received was from a schoolmate back in grade school, we were not even friends then, she was a year younger, all I remember is we always end up at the top of the class and we attend the recognition rites together. As we grew older I saw how our principles coincide, and that's how I felt that we built a friendship deeper than I usually have, despite the distance, despite the differences.

"I don't pray, I don't think I have the words that can provide comfort, you don't deserve any advice from me because I have not known the pain of loss and the hardship of losing control over different aspects of your life at  the same time. But please don't deny yourself of coping as a human being, write, even curse or scream, cry all day, if you have to. Don't deny yourself of the humanity in feeling helpless, of hurting, of questioning, of being vulnerable to the things we cannot explain. You will be in my thoughts and I will hold good intentions for your recovery, from both emotional and physical pain. Breathe, live one breath at a time."

What she wrote is not the cliched "be strong". She understood that more than being strong, I need to cope, to feel vulnerable, to feel the pain, to release the anger, to question everything I believed and did not believe in -- to feel human. After this, then I can go through the waves, then I can get back on track, put fresh grease and get the gears running.

Yes, I might be in limbo, in denial. I don't want to talk to anyone about what happened. That one composition I wrote would be enough to get my message through, to inform people of the gist. This is is me in my weakest, I haven't quite taken control yet. I'm still lost. What has happened to me got me thinking, of my capacity to bear a child, my fertility. What might not be my sole purpose but my husband's expectations of me -- sure he's been supportive, taking all the emotional baggage, carrying the psychological toll and accepting all the financial blows that this brought -- all that's happened might bring him to the edge. He loves me, I know. He brought me to the doctor, the hospital, bought my meds, skipped work, made ends meet, fed me, held my hand, my arm -- in my weakest, my helplessness. He waited, I just hope he does not get tired. He's always been a patient man; cool, reserved, logical. Characteristics that I like so much -- characteristics that I need to regain. But I need to break out first, to eject the toxins. I haven't quite done that yet.

I'll write, I'll read, I'll introspect, I'll create until I climb out of this hill of unwavering emotions. I'll translate all the vulnerability, all the nakedness into something else, until I'm back to my fighting form. I will learn and I will take the world with a bigger worldview. I might get a little more somber after this, but not surrendering, not losing control but taking control

*Excerpt from Haruki Murakami's novel 1Q84.