Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Thesis Survey

I was asked by a student to answer a survey for his research/thesis. The last question really got me worked up.
10. Please write briefly how you feel about religion, atheism or your ideas related to faith. 
Religion is rooted in authoritarianism -- that something, a higher power, controls us and humankind have no control over their lives. This is especially unfortunate to the uneducated/uninformed who surrender and sacrifice their lives to serve cults/ cult leaders believing that they will be redeemed by a savior in the end. Our elders on the other hand grew up not knowing any better and so they subscribe to it as parenting from the past generations is rooted in authoritarianism as well, where the parents are authority and kids cannot ask why. Religion gives some sort of reason and purpose to people who'd feel helpless and powerless in the middle of the universe where nothing is really predetermined. Simply, religion is placebo.
Development, progress and evolution made the world more rational and asking why and keeping curious and exploring is highly encouraged; and in my opinion, religion is an outdated concept. 
If anything, religion is an arbitrary divide created (as race, gender, political affiliation, heirarchies, etc) and used to justify hate and wars. If people realize that we are all going through our lives with no definite purpose or reason, all suffering at the same time, maybe there will be more compassion, and more peace, because we grow to know that we're not competing. We will put spotlight on the human experience and we'll all be more likely to use our faculties of reason and logic because nothing really happens for a (vague, divinely predetermined) reason, and we'll understand more, learn, analyze and adapt more and from that greater progress will be the output.

Monday, May 19, 2014


Today, I woke up amidst a dream that takes me 7 to 10 years back. I felt like my college self, waking up to a sweet dream full of hopes for the future, and upon waking up, deciding to stay in bed and imagine how the rest of the dream ought to end for hours.

Then I realize that my dreams were not reality. The future then is now present. And it is different from how I envisioned it then.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Hashtag Work Hashtag Shock

Last night I heard news of retrenchment in the company I work for, 25 people ended up without jobs. Effective immediately. Allegedly some performance based, some due to redundancy, some due to cost. I don't understand really, here I am on a leave of absence and somehow I am still secured of a job I can go back to in a month's time, but some people are not. I don't know what really drove this, only the higher ups will really know--Big Brother and cohorts. While the company I work for drives for transparency as much as possible, we all know that in reality, there's only really so much that we can know straightforward; the rest will need major research to be discovered or it will gently unfold in front of our very eyes before we even realize it. People will hide things from you to protect you, or because they need you and they can't lose you, or because it's the only way they'll survive, they'll swim at the expense of you sinking -- without letting you into the real score.
If it was up to me, I'd want dinosaurs to be around. It maybe unsafe but it is fun in a nerve-racking sort of way.
But they're gone and humankind came up of ways to achieve the same "unsafe but it is fun in a nerve-racking sort of way" sensation through cliff diving, sky diving, bungee jumping, among others.
It  really sucks that some of the people who ended up losing their jobs are the ones that I've grown close to, even worse, especially those who I know really NEED the job more than anything. The ones who didn't have an option and just decided to stay because their survival depends on it. I wanted these people to still be able to enjoy the security of job and income, but there really is nothing to be done right now but just hold our heads high and try again. Do what it takes to release emotions, the tension; know that there are people around you who are empathizing. Get mad, cry, question everything in your lives, move on, shrug it off. It might not be an easy feat, but it is part of the human experience; and know that you're not alone -- people suffer and fight battles everyday.

It is sad, that there is no way we can attain balance without having some people being worse off, getting the shorter end of the stick. Pareto in application. There is a balance, though not always rooted on equality and this can lead to the inevitable Marxist grand narrative. But in the end it just makes you feel powerless, people are dispensable; for the big players, we're mere means to an end. We're gonna be living for a much longer time with things like this happening, screwing up our lives one after another. We'll work our asses off with promises of a good great life. We sacrifice because there could be something better waiting for us at the other side. Until the final time when the universe decides that were more of a liability more than anything and we should just cease to exist, and there are no rewards -- just void.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Look Before You Cross the Road

It's been almost a month since the incident happened. I'm doing self-therapy. I've read more books in the past twenty-something days than I did the last half a year. I've read pages upon pages of news, articles, infographs, gossip, stories in the net; some useful, mostly trivial. I've discovered manga too, all thanks to my husband who introduces activities and movies to keep me busy and forget just even for a bit. My husband brought me paint and brushes and a big paint pad too.  Here are some of my artworks, they are not outstanding or anything, but it keeps the tears from falling or the person writing this from downing a whole bottle of meds.

But I still hurt, physically and emotionally. I still find myself crying alone before I sleep, silently so I don't wake other people. I cry over human interest stories that I relate to. I want to slaughter everyone who posts a baby anecdote or photo in facebook for lack of sensitivity that while their source of unending bliss is reminding me of something that I might not have always wanted, but somehow fail at. How fucked up is that? You don't even want it in the first place, it comes unannounced in your life but you're gonna fail in it anyway, just so the plot thickens. My facebook is right now mostly showing huffington post, mental floss and i fucking love science feeds. I don't have the time to deal with other people's bullshit. Leave me alone in my magma chamber of rationality and facts. I just want to be left alone. I don't like being asked how I am. It will spew out a Pandora's box of incoherent emotions. I'm not in the mood to be chatty. I am miserable.

People will probably judge me about my negativity, but this is reality and I can't be genuinely happy right now. I like to plan my life, that's my obsessive-compulsive disorder on hyperdrive and what I have here in front of me is not going according to plan. Seriously, my life is not even half perfect enough for such a mess to shake things up. Have the rich kids go through this, have Heart Evangelista, Paris Hilton or something go through this, because their families won't budge and hurt financially over these mundane expenses. I on the other hand though, am the breadwinner and I don't get why am I being fucked up like this, when I have bills to pay and mouths to feed. I am angry. I'm delirious.

It's taking time, I know but I'll go crazy if I force my moving on, grieving and healing to happen. Things will fall into place, I know. But grieving and healing takes time. I will take my time. Not everything is predetermined and not everything happens for a reason. Things happen because people drive them, and I'm driving into something that will unfold in a longer period of time than expected.
"I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road." - Stephen Hawking

Saturday, May 03, 2014


Today, after spending a suffocating fortnight at home, Mike and I decided that I can go out. I can sit, stand and walk small distances without hurting so much, and we did not want to waste the cinema tickets for The Amazing Spider-Man 2.

Getting in and out of the car was a chore, I felt like an old lady having to hold the grab handle and positioning my legs awkwardly so I don't suddenly twist and strain my waist. Walking was painfully slow, with the pace I was in, an ant or a turtle could probably outwalk me. Standing for long periods of time waiting for the e-plus woman to give us our ticket was tormenting.

You held my back getting out of the car; you found the nearest available parking slot to the mall entrance; you held my arm as I walk in a pace slower than that old lady (that you jokingly said I should ask to race); you carried my bag (despite our staunch advocacy as a couple that women who carry around tons of shit inside their purses should be able to carry their own purses and not emasculate their boyfriends/husbands with stupid rhinestoned, sparkly, pink purses); you stopped each time I said that things are starting to get painful; you were very protective of me, reminding me to be extra careful as people might accidentally bump me even how careful we try to be; you bought me my favorite subway sandwich; you treated me to frozen yogurt so I can sit peacefully in the kiosk while you queued and paid the bills in the bank; you made me stand in the mall entrance so I don't have to walk again to the car and you picked me up, valet-style.

I'm very happy coming home -- despite all the tragedies that found its way in our usually action-comedy life -- that you are with me, holding my hand. I'm gonna throw in the waterworks as well when I say that today I realized that you meant what you said that first day of March, two years ago and eighteenth of December, four years ago. The grammar nazi in me couldn't help but notice the mispronunciation of the word poorer into foorer, and it always brings Adolf Hitler into the mix; for I was a Nazi and you unconsciously just said fuhrer (Fuhrer in German means leader which was what they called Hitler). You occasionally have those inevitable p-f and b-v deficiency; after all, you are a civil engineer, not a call center agent.

But I remember how you said to me twice as a couple, that you'll be with me "for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health". I just realized that we are a walking proof of those vows and for that I'm very thankful for you. Prior to our wedding, we had an engagement shoot, we chose Mr & Mrs. Smith as the theme because we love action movies, we love Brangelina and we know that love is NEVER a walk in the beach, a stroll in the park, nor a picnic made in heaven; love is battlefield and we'll wear our battle scars proudly with every war we face together.

I'll marry you a thousand times over if our lives permit it, even if it means that we end up like Ellie and Carl. Just the two of us, holding hands.