THE SUN IS GONE BUT I HAVE A LIGHT.

What Motivates You? A simple 3-word-question to which I didn’t have the answer when I was asked. The five-minute chance has passed.

An hour after the question was asked. I was still filled with rage as to why I was being asked such in a moment when I might have been clearly losing sight of what it is I am slaving myself for. It made me sad, maybe I don’t have something that motivated me anymore. Worse, I might be turning into -what I perceived 5 years ago as the lowest form of life, an apathetic. 

No. I’m not turning into an apathetic. If I was, I wouldn’t have been thinking of what my answer is or should be. Let alone deciding to write what I am thinking.

“The Sun is Gone, But I Have a Light”

A phrase that is stuck between layers of my consciousness, subconsciousness, unconsciousness… A phrase that partially embodies my music taste and my personal mantra (as that phrase came about after years of research on Kurt Cobain, as I only get to know him when he was already dead).

I guess that is what is happening now. 

The present can’t give me convincing or worthwhile answers. I am looking forward to long sleeps, weekends, reading more books, vacations, blogging again, going to the gym, toning my arms and butt, going to a new place, buying new shoes, eating good churros and nachos, catching reruns of 90s Nickelodeon shows, this weekend dysmenorrhea to be over… I am screwed. These motivators are so arbitrary (Well, my friend Twilight was a Program Motivator in the old office. She motivated me to go to work by telling me the juiciest gossip). Unacceptable. Inappropriate. These aren’t professional answers. Though I don’t wanna coerce myself to give an answer so professional, I might as well be putting a bullet through my head. 

(So Nea, you are smart, or were… doesn’t matter… you can come up with an answer the way you were able to come up with pretty convincing if not, witty essays about rule of law, the Leviathan and Scorpion Nights back in college. So what motivates you?)

I am clearly not getting any good ones if I look at NOW, because now I am jaded and I couldn’t care less about anything and everything, I am just living the moment and my happiness is gauged by the shallowest of things right now, trivial what-nots that make me happy for 2 hours tops.

Maybe by looking at THEN, I can catch a better view? How was I so god-damned driven back in highschool and in college to the point that I more often than not end up in the top 20 of almost anything I do?

I was never the I-need-to-be-the-best-bitch-in-everything. I will not wake up extra early to study, take memory supplements, chummy with the teacher/professor nor kill and spread nasty rumors against competition so I can be the first in class back in school. I was always second or third in grade school and highschool. I was not part of the GCs in college.

In my 5 years in the “corporate scene”, I was never competitive, I never got the ‘Best Agent’ award when I was still in the call center, nor did go extra mile and fish for compliments from the bosses. If I ever get promoted, I did not think I was the best, I just think that everything is a game of chance, and it just happened to favor me that time. 

In general, I never wanted to be the trailblazer, I often kept a low profile, that way people will set less expectations out of me and in effect, less disappointments for them and me, and less pressure for me. While achievements may come and I accept them if it is being handed to me, it was never the core of my existence. I don’t need to earn the most money, get the highest grades, be the boss of everyone, and be the expert of everything. I am driven by a force much bigger and stronger than all those.

FAMILY.

I did good in gradeschool and highschool so my grades will be worthy enough of a State University. I wasn’t born to a well-off family that can send me to Ateneo, but it was a family that gave high importance to education so I kept good grades so I can qualify for PUP and UP.

When I made it to UP, I made sure I don’t waste time by flunking on courses and scribed a good flowchart-type-gameplan to make sure I graduated on time, and be able to help my family by earning money - which they don’t force me to give them this much and that much; the giving back to the family - that is intrinsic (They gave me food, clothes, a decent house, allowances when I was little and helpless, now that they’re old, they shouldn’t be burdened as much as they were to keep us alive).

After graduating, I took the first job that called as I know that I can’t delay pitching in to the family expenses. I never stopped working and earning so I can make sure that they will never need to go back to the days when they had to make ends meet to make sure we’re fed and educated. I am happy if I get a promotion or when the annual salary appraisal period comes because it meant I will be able to provide not only needs but also a few simple luxuries for my parents too.

Then I get sick, it annoys the crap out of me that I can’t work and provide. During the times when I don’t have savings or HMOs, it meant my parents will need to shoulder the meds and the doc-trips. So I make it a point that I don’t abuse myself, don’t overwork, under-sleep and under-eat. As I have often been rushed to the ER because of fatigue. (I have the worst illnesses-combo that just entails that I don’t over-exert (motion sickness, astigmatism, vertigo, chostochondritis, hyperventillation, anxiety attack).) Me sick equals my parents worrying, since they’re old and they might get sick too (hypertension) worrying too much.

I got married, and is looking to starting a family of my own, while my husband may be earning enough to keep the two of us alive. I keep a job so I can save a little for the future-family and rainy days and still be able to support my parents  steadily (I don’t want my husband to feel like after marrying me, he now must support my parents). 

That’s what motivates me, my family, my parents and the family that I will soon have with my husband. Money, career, prestige - those are all nothing but means to me. I have Socialist tendencies and embrace the hippie lifestyle too much to be pre-occupied with them. In the end, it’s just family for me.

But when the MEANS is jeopardizing the END, I’d rather not do the means at all. If having work means getting sick overworking, being rushed to the hospital and using a big chunk of my earnings for medicine instead of better food for my family. If earning more means more pressure causing me to be unhappy, stressed and tired when at home, causing me to lash-out unexpectedly on the most important people for me, I can give it up. 

P.S. Our family is not the I-love-you-goodnight-sorry-take-care-sweety-bitsy-mushy-huggy-kissy type of family, but we know our PRIORITIES… most of the times.