Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Look Before You Cross the Road

It's been almost a month since the incident happened. I'm doing self-therapy. I've read more books in the past twenty-something days than I did the last half a year. I've read pages upon pages of news, articles, infographs, gossip, stories in the net; some useful, mostly trivial. I've discovered manga too, all thanks to my husband who introduces activities and movies to keep me busy and forget just even for a bit. My husband brought me paint and brushes and a big paint pad too.  Here are some of my artworks, they are not outstanding or anything, but it keeps the tears from falling or the person writing this from downing a whole bottle of meds.

But I still hurt, physically and emotionally. I still find myself crying alone before I sleep, silently so I don't wake other people. I cry over human interest stories that I relate to. I want to slaughter everyone who posts a baby anecdote or photo in facebook for lack of sensitivity that while their source of unending bliss is reminding me of something that I might not have always wanted, but somehow fail at. How fucked up is that? You don't even want it in the first place, it comes unannounced in your life but you're gonna fail in it anyway, just so the plot thickens. My facebook is right now mostly showing huffington post, mental floss and i fucking love science feeds. I don't have the time to deal with other people's bullshit. Leave me alone in my magma chamber of rationality and facts. I just want to be left alone. I don't like being asked how I am. It will spew out a Pandora's box of incoherent emotions. I'm not in the mood to be chatty. I am miserable.

People will probably judge me about my negativity, but this is reality and I can't be genuinely happy right now. I like to plan my life, that's my obsessive-compulsive disorder on hyperdrive and what I have here in front of me is not going according to plan. Seriously, my life is not even half perfect enough for such a mess to shake things up. Have the rich kids go through this, have Heart Evangelista, Paris Hilton or something go through this, because their families won't budge and hurt financially over these mundane expenses. I on the other hand though, am the breadwinner and I don't get why am I being fucked up like this, when I have bills to pay and mouths to feed. I am angry. I'm delirious.

It's taking time, I know but I'll go crazy if I force my moving on, grieving and healing to happen. Things will fall into place, I know. But grieving and healing takes time. I will take my time. Not everything is predetermined and not everything happens for a reason. Things happen because people drive them, and I'm driving into something that will unfold in a longer period of time than expected.
"I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road." - Stephen Hawking

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